Trust or No Trust?

So dear-hearts,

Today I am reminded of an age old question that has been around for years and years. Something that most couples (gay and straight alike) have struggled with.
If there is no trust, can love survive?

So here is my take on it; with me, trust is earned not given. So of course when I first meet you, I'm sure as hell not gonna give you the keys to my car and say drive, or the key to my house and say stop by whenever. No, it doesn't work like that. Trust is something that once you get, its easy to lose. And most of the time that comes from lying and or cheating. There is no excuse for lying at all. Once you lie, everything you said from that point on and everything you said before is in question.

Nevertheless, with infidelity, there is a rising issue of whether or not to end the relationship over it. For most couples, its no conversation, its over. But for others, its a struggle. Once you cheat, the trust is betrayed and even shot out to hell. You question who calls your lover, who your lover is chatting with online, if your lover is REALLY going to the store, and so on and so on.

To fix this, you must understand that there are two types of cheating; intentional and unintentional. Intentional is when you make plans behind your lover's back, telling the other party this is when you're free and this is where ya'll should meet. And engage in pursuing it to the end. Unintentional cheating is very rare but very much real. ( Hey,we all are human and we all have flaws and weaknesses.) That is when you go some place and are seduced. Hard to believe but real. Its hard to repel when your buttons are pushed to the max and your physical self takes over your subconscious self. It's harmless but it's still cheating.

But it's hard to decipher the two types of cheating. Most gay men think that cheating is cheating. Just think about it for a second, have you ever had someone cheat on you intentional and you found the apology to be rehearsed and bland? And have you ever had someone cheat on you unintentionally and their apology was honestly sincere? Or vice versa? Things happen for a reason and everything that happens is to test where your mind is. Forgiveness is a big part of growing up. But choosing to forgive doesn't mean love is enough to keep the relationship going.

However, if it is, you must work to fix the issue at hand. If you know your weak when it comes to going to parties or the club, invite your lover to go along with you. If they can't come, don't go at all. Refrain from any websites or videos that weakens your defense of monogamy. When all else seems lost, develop a support systems. Friends and family that will help keep you from doing anything stupid.

When you honestly try to fix a mistake that you made, trust is the reward given. Now don't we all want that trust?

History For Gays

So we've put together a remarkable video, which captures the emotional resonance of the simple words that so many have waited so long to say: "We're married."
WATCH NOW

Forever Never Comes

My heart beats to the whim of the sound
To the sound of everlasting love
Love to ever last and ever live.
My heart races to the tick of time
Time of beauty and truth
Truth that we'll be here forever.

Forever never comes.
My heart slows at the loss of you
You, who left me at a loss
A loss for hope and love.
My heart stops at the pain I endure
Enduring it, for fate demands
Demanding destiny to unfold.

Forever never comes.
I cant feel the beat of my heart
My heart has vanished
Vanished from thin air.
I go blind from the loss of heart.
I become deaf from the loss of it.
I am now paralyzed from the loss of him.
I cannot breath from the loss of control.
I slowly freeze from the loss of...

Forever never comes.
My pain flows through the veins like a river
My heart still unwilling to move
My sorrow fills my eyes from yesterday
Yesterday which became today which becomes tomorrow.
But tomorrow doesn't become you and you don't become forever.

Forever,
For in the ever most parts of death you have me
For me ever.
Ever for me.
Me, forever.
I only have me to keep the cycle going.
To become alive again and live a life again.
For I can only hope
Hope is now
Now is me
Me...

Forever finally came.

Noah's Arc: Jumping the Broom

View Clip

Movie Review: The Happening

The Happening (2008):

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Rated: R for violent and disturbing images

Critics Rating: D minus

View: Trailer

This movie was in itself a reason to wait till it comes out on The CW because it was not worth $10.25 for a hour and thirty one minutes. It had you feeling like you would rather sit and watch the first ten minutes of I Am Legend over nine times and enjoy it. For a movie called "The Happening," not much happens. But these are just my thoughts.

The film opens in New York City. People start to get confused in Central Park, repeating their words, standing still and sometimes walking backwards. We hear a few distant screams. A cop on the road shoots himself in the head. A driver gets out of his car, takes the gun, and also shoots himself in the head. We see a pair of high heels walk over and a hand starts to pick up the gun.

Meanwhile on a building site, workers start to walk calmly off the top of the building, crunching down to earth.

A science teacher named Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg) is called out of class to a staff meeting warning about this "terrorist attack" in New York, and advising that school is canceled. Elliot and his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) flee Philadelphia on a train, with a friend (John Leguizamo) and his daughter Jess. On the train people start to get reports by cellphone that the attacks are in lots of places.

The train ends up leaving them in a small rural town, as the conductors have lost radio contact with everyone else. At a diner they see a newscast that suggests the suicides are not caused by a terrorist attack, but by a natural phenomena. The friend leaves Jess with Elliot and Alma to go and look for his wife in Princeton (when he gets there it is infected, and, after the driver of the car he is in crashes deliberately into a tree the friend slashes his wrists with glass and dies).

Elliot and Alma decide, along with everybody else, to flee for the state line, as the attacks seem only to be affecting the northeast of the US (how original). A nice couple who run a plant nursery offer to take them in their car. The man suggests to Elliot and Alma that the toxin is produced by plants (PLANTS!!!). He explains the way plants can communicate with other plants, and the way they can release chemicals to get rid of specific pests (in this case, us humans). Eventually, they all die except Elliot, Alma and Jess (of course.)

Elliot, Alma and Jess move on till they find an old house with no power which they think is abandoned. A spooky old lady lives there, who chooses to remain out of contact with the whole world. She doesn't want to know about the event in the outside world, however she gives them supper and a bed for the night (the funniest part is when she slaps the shit outta the little girl for touching the food.). In the morning she tells Elliot they have to go (she seems completely bonkers). She then goes outside and is affected by the toxin. Elliot runs through the house trying to find Alma and Jess. They are outside in a spring house; he is stuck in the main house; however he can talk to them through a speaking tube. He explains that the toxin now seems to be set off by even one person alone.

Elliot decides that if he is going to die he doesn't want to die alone. They all leave their safe hiding places and walk into the middle of the garden and hold hands. The wind blows. Nothing happens. Hmmmmm....

Three months later and they are all living back in Philly. Jess is off to school by bus. Alma is doing a pregnancy test; it's positive. On the TV is a scientist warning that the event was like a red tide; the first sign that the planet is rejecting humans as pests. The host says that if that were true it would be happening in other places.

Cut to a park in Paris. Two guys are walking discussing plans for after work that evening. Cue distant scream; one guy starts to repeat his words, everyone stands still; other guy says (in French) "Oh my God".

So in my mortal words, I say this was a stupid movie to get the message that "true love conquers all" out to people. (Oh, and that mother nature is pissed.) I would have probably been more satisfied if it ended like The Perfect Storm and everyone died. It would have been more believable then. But you make the decision for yourself.

When Should You Let Go?

I had a dear-heart ask me,

"When do you know it's time to let go?"

So I am going to give a few choices; you know its time when he stops calling and returning your calls. When you talk to him and you get a feeling that he is just trying to find small talk. When he makes excuses on why he can't see you. Dumb excuses. When you feel tired and worn out. When you find somebody else to replace him. Any of these choices are a good starter.

Never give a man so much power to where he has you at home thinking about him 23/7, crying over him every minute, hating him every time his name is spoken, or even contacting him over and over again for no reason. This shifts the power in his favor and he knows that as long as he has you like this, he has you period. Let it go before it gets like this. Or even transfer the energy to him and have his ass moping over you, crying over you and calling you over and over. Baby, cause you are far more FABOLOUS than any person can fathom. If you want them to know steak is cooking, you gotta let them HEAR it sizzling.

And know that God allows things to happen for a reason, and people to come and go (and sometimes stay) for a reason. What you need to do is find that reason, deal with it, accept it and move on. Extract all the good and positive thing this man brought to you and the relationship and hold on to that. Let that empower you to forgive and move on. Keep the smile for public and deal with the hurt in private. And I assure you that everything will be better. Any thoughts?

My Trip Back Home....

October 6th, 2007

Well let's see. My thoughts and recollections of what and who I saw when I returned back to my home state. I enjoyed the time I had with one of my closest friend Steven and his boyfriend. I had a lot of laughs with him and got my mind off a lot of drama that hovered me in FL. The long needed smile that I needed, I finally got.

Nevertheless, the reason why I left VA quickly came back to me in an instant.I saw the one person I gave my heart to again and the pain and hurt returned all at once. The feeling of loneliness and void had risen up. But I did NOT cry. Too many tears were shed and this was just the closure I needed to get through. Thank you, my love, for letting me get the closing of the chapter I needed.

My daddy's surgery saved his life and that was a good turn-around for my trip. The situation that he had, doc said if he wouldn't waited a little longer, he would've died. My mother apologized for the bullshit she took me through and we spent the entire day on Sunday. I went to church, YES BITCHES, I went to church. I thought I was gone engulf in flames. LOL. The funniest part of service was how the story of David and Goliath turned into how homosexuality is wrong. LMAO! How in the hell do u go from some lil short man throwing a rock at a huge fat man to...two men fucking? HILARIOUS! Then the preacher had the audacity to look out in the audience after the sermon and say, "ITS SO GLAD TO SEE JONATHAN BOWLES HERE TODAY!"I was too thru!

Many thanks to Steven for laughs and all that jazz. I want to say thank you to my buddy CK. Even though I didn't get to see u, it was the thought that counts.Thanks Jerel for spending the day with me at Busch. Thanks to my sisters for being my arch of happiness. Thanks Kris. Thanks Melvin and Jalil. You all are greatly appreciated for being my back support.

Even tho I didn't see all the ppl I wanted, and you know who you are, I will chalk it up to busy schedules and unplanned events arising. Maybe next time, huh? Till then...Adieu.

And I Am Telling You

BET Awards 2007 "Holiday and Hudson"

Boys 2 Men

So my question today, dear-hearts, is;
"WHY CAN'T MEN BE MEN AND NOT BOYS?"

[Now, not all men act like boys. There are a slim percent that actually don't play games, that don't toy with your mind, and don't lie just to cover their ass. But my focus today is on the men who do act like boys.]

One of the first people I met when I relocated to Oakland was a guy by the name of Marshall. He was very stable financially, had a house in the hills, nice ass car, and I really enjoyed his company. However, he also had a boyfriend. But I figured we could just be hang out buddies and I wouldn't cross the line into lover's at all. Nevertheless, I did manage to fucking develop an attachment to him. (Damn, Pisces.) And he knew this. So for a hot minute we hung out and it was great. Until that day.

He gets a call from one of his "friends" in San Fran, and asks me if its alright if we go pick him up and take him home. So I very much obliged and decided it would be fun to meet the people in his life. Well, we get to The Castro and this feminine Asian looking fellow prances over to the car and gets in. Immediately, I shell up and shut down. There was a spirit of jealousy already bubbling in my soul. But I was very cordial and only spoke when I was asked a question. I thought we were taking him home, so I didn't really show how I was feeling, until we landed at the mall....all three of us. They walk in front of me, cupcaking, and I'm following behind wondering why I just don't get on the BART and go home. After an hour of vomiting a little in my mouth from watching the two, we go eat. However, the bitch is coming out of me now. I abruptly tell Marshall I am not hungry and I will not eat.

I felt like, why isn't this fellow home yet? I thought this was going to be me and him. But I notice that I'm transparent and went to the bathroom to wash my face and try to get it together. I go back to the table and Marshall is sipping on some Thai drink and asked his friend if he wanted to try. He agrees and tasted it. After that, Marshall asked me if I wanted to try and I'm like, "Your kidding, right?"

So the night ends, and Marshall decides to take me home first. I stay in Oakland and the fellow stays in San Fran. We were just in San Fran, so what sense does that make? But I digress. The next day, I apologize for my apparent actions and he accepted my apology. Later on, I ask when can I see him again. He replies, tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. Days go by, I ask him again. He replies the same answer. Yet, the time never came.

So three months go by and he doesn't say much but "I'm at work, I will talk to you later." So I decided to ask one more time and see if the answer would be the same. I ask, "Why has it been three months and we haven't hung out?"
He replies,"I work and travel a lot."
"Really? Well, when you came back from Puerto Rico, you had almost a week and a half before you went back to work." I tore that lie down.
"Well, I have a boyfriend."
"You had one when I first met you." Uh-huh, try that again.
"Well, he is out of school now and wants to spend a lot more time together."
So my question is, if that was the case, why not just tell me THAT instead of, 'we will hang tomorrow' and tomorrow never happens? I figured that one learns when three months go by, that the person is no longer interested in seeing you again. He asked me, (before I blocked him,) why I wasn't going to date anymore.

Well, my answer is Marshall, because of men like you, who "work and travel a lot."

High School Shadows

I begin to realize why older gentlemen have such a hard time talking to me, let alone trusting me. Its the mind set that these younger ones have and the ones a few years older than me, that are still in this high school mentality. They feel that because they graduated, it automatically makes them "GROWN".

OMG!! DAREST I SAY THE DREADED WORD OF THE FALL OF HUMANITY.

GROWN!

I believe these youngins are in a rush to grow up so fast, they feel that now because they can vote and legally buy cigarettes, they are a grown "adult." Don't fool yourself, you are NOT grown right out of high school. Hell, I'm not fully grown yet. I've gone through (and still going through,) my share of life experiences that will aid my continuance of growing. But one thing I am certain of is that, I am a man. I am an adult. But I am not fully and completely grown. And I feel that these kids don't realize that. Being grown and being an adult are two separate entities. They don't go hand in hand right out of high school.


Being grown isn't a physical merit. Just because you have your own place, your own car, a good paying job, and degrees makes you grown. No baby, it only means you have a sense of responsibility. Being grown is a constant journey that shows its fruits through [get ready] MATURITY. If you feel you have to break someone down cuz they don't have what you have, you are not mature. If you have to argue that you are 19 and grown and lists the merits why, you are not mature. If you have to argue that you are 25 and grown and lists the merits why, you are not mature. A mature person tells someone politely that they are not going to entertain this mess and ends the conversation before the argument starts.

So I hope and pray that these teenagers get it through their brains that life really hits like a tsunami once you leave home for good. It is the lessons of life that help you understand your growing process. Remember that and I assure you that things will become easier. Everything happens for a reason.

Mighty Survivor

So dear-hearts,

Today ends a week of many adventures. But it has also been a week of many enlighten encounters. I have been to my lowest moments and have struggled harder than I have any where I lived. But baby, I'm still here.

They say when one door closes, another opens. {I hate being in the hallway} But that is exactly what seemed to go down. I lost one job to gain another one. One that helps jump start my high income career path. I have never worked for any employer that the starting salary is more than a car payment, student loan bill and rent combined. I'm too excited about that one.

{ I work in San Fran }

If that wasn't enough, I had gone the whole week with nothing but lets see....2 minus 3, carry the 1...times 0.....I had 38 cent to my name. If I didn't meditate my ass off and pray till something happened, as the Christians would say. I came home from another interview and checked my account and what happens? A gift for being with Western Union for a minute, I have a deposit of 13 dollars. Hey, that's money I ain't have. Shit, when you get down to your last dime, surely step back and let God do it. Or whoever your higher power is.

{ OMG...THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT! }

But my week had its many eye opening experiences along with false accusations on my name. I still press on and know that as long as you stand in the truth, nothing else matters. I can only have faith that, just as I was told, Karma will have its turn and the truth will appear. Hopefully, sooner than later. But the way of the universe is, that I will never know that the truth hit them. But I honestly don't care. My life is far from miserable and I am gonna enjoy my weekend to come and prepare for the work week. O how good that sounds....

Bitch

To all the gay men with no home training, this is for you!

Shooting 4 D Starz

So I'm going to start this blog off saying that I am NOT ready for the gay community again. In so much, meaning the dating world or the equivalent to it. I am comparing everyone I meet to 'him' and if I decide to meet these people, its the littlest shit they do that urks my everlasting nerves. For example, if I'm sitting in the passenger seat of the car and they are in the drivers seat and I'm sitting with my hands on my lap and legs closed leaning toward the door.....don't touch me without asking. That's a sure fire way to spark my attitude and have me shut down and shut up on you. If you really piss me off, I'll tell you to take me home.

Another example, if I tell you that we are NOT having sex and I'm NOT looking for sex, don't think that cuz you come get me and we ride around for 12 minutes, I'm gonna change my mind. You a lyin' wonder and the truth ain't in ya. I had one guy to keep offering to take me out for a drink and that drink NEVER came. It was, 'We can go back to my house', and I'm like...take me home. Then I'm accused of having an attitude? What drugs are the gays on these days?

One thing about me is that I am NOT a flaky person, nor do my feelings change at the drop of a dime. So this hoping and wishing thing that these idiots have toward me can fly south. On top of that, I hate when guys claim they just want to get to know me and be friends and enjoy my company. But the translation is: They wanna fuck. And because I am not naive I get the silent treatment. They stop calling, they stop emailing, they stop everything and don't even have the balls, guts, decency, or manners to tell me that they lied, saw I was real, not changing, and moved on. Men, you say? HA, don't even give them such masculine credit.

In the last of my rant I will say is that, if you invite me somewhere and offer to treat me, but when the time comes, you flake...don't expect nothing more from me. For example, this one dude wanted to meet me and after a while I decided there was no harm in at least meeting him. Well, after the first try I should've known better than to even make a second attempt. The first try was a set date and time, and when it came down to it, he wanted to fuck instead. I'm like, you joking? Well, shame on me for making a second attempt. (What can I say, I have a heart sometimes. Or just maybe I'm bored.) The second time actually happened. He offered to take me to Borders and have a drink. When we met, I made a jester about the drink and an excuse came up. Typical. I knew right then, this was a mistake. I shut up and I shut down. When he saw that, he changed his mind and offered to get the drink. Did you really think I was gonna laugh and smile if you didn't? Well, after the drink, I thanked him and walked home.

I'm happy gay marriage was voted yes for, and I'm happy we have the 1st black man on the ballot for president. But I am pissed at the lack of common sense, chivalry, respect, and brains that most gay men seem to not have. Has the mothers and grandmothers not raise these idiots right? Or am I just shooting for the stars here?

Bert and Ernie Story

An elderly couple, Ernie and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his partner,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Ernie looked him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into th e kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Ernie, a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ernie looked up and exclaimed,

'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, ERNIE?'

'Nope', he replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing his expression, Ernie replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'