No More Wandering For This Jew

Passover is a time where every Jew reflects on the Exodus from Egypt. From the time of slavery to the ten plagues to the splitting of the red seas. Its a holiday where we remember wandering in the desert in hope of the Promised Land. We refrain from eating bread type foods and replace it with a flat lifeless piece of cracker. And every Passover, every Rabbi talks about reflection and overcoming modern day slavery. The slavery of ones self. The bondage that we put on ourselves.

I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. I'm too dark. I'm not dark enough. Am I too gay? I'm ugly. No one likes me. No one cares. If he loves me, why does he treat me like this?

These are the negativities we face in world, plus more. And two years ago, when I moved from Oakland to Sacramento, this was the slavery for me. I found myself in an abusive relationship that started out verbal but ended in physical. There were few good times but they were few and far between. He hated his life, his job, his car and always wondered why bad things happened. I was tricked into doing things I didn't want to do. I found myself wondering why I was being treated the way I was. 'Did I deserve to be called an idiot?' 'Did I deserve to be talked to like I'm five?' 'Was it my fault that he hit me?' 'Why do I let it?' 'Why can't I leave?'

It was one hell of an Egypt for me. I would wake up hating life, hating myself and hating everything. Just like he did. I felt I could do no better. Like this was as good as it would get.

Then Moses came. But I called him- college.

It was as if The Holy One, baruch sh'mo, opened the Red Seas and said, "Cross!" I was accepted into college in Long Beach and next thing I knew it; I flew down to visit on Monday, found a place Tuesday, flew back to Sacramento and started packing on Wednesday. My best friend, Ivan, didn't hesitate to saddle up the pickup, drive from Oakland and move me, my cat and all my stuff to Southern California. No real goodbyes. Only empty promises that I would keep in touch with him. And then, there was the desert.

The two relationships, and I use the term very loosely, I had after my Egypt were very short lived. It was time to start healing, and acting out was the only way I knew to show it. I found professional help and new friends to help me overcome. Even though I never lost contact with old friends, it hurt that I was so far away. School came and went. I could not find work, but had Unemployment to keep me afloat. But that had an expiration date. And it was getting very close to that date.

Just like my ancestors in the wilderness, there was manna from above that fell every so often. And as quickly as the journey began, it ended. And then I found myself in the happiest state that I was in before Sacramento. I found myself in love again and he was in love with me. He cares for my thoughts and my opinions. He makes me laugh, a lot. He isn't afraid to be patient when I am being impatient. We create balance and not chaos. We make love and eradicate hate. We aren't afraid to argue because no one is put down.

Then, I was forced back to Oakland, found work and he came along for the ride. Now, there is no more wandering for this Jew. This is my Promised Land.

May yours be closer than you can see. Ken Yehi Ratzon.

Can 'I Love You' Be Too Soon?

We live in a society that, for the most part, is run by religious institutions. These institutions tell you how to live, how to talk, how to live your life, what to do and what not to do. But none of these religious doctrines’ tell you how long it is acceptable to wait before saying 'I love you' to your partner.

So...

Can saying 'I love you' ever be said too soon?

Looking at text ranging from the Harlem Renaissance even as far back as the Biblical stories told, there is nothing that tells us how long to wait before love is acceptable to be voiced. William Shakespeare had all of his main leads quickly fall in love. Even characters from the Bible have no regards for length of time for love. The moment Jonathan saw David, he loved him and made sure David had everything. Even a chest to cry on before they split up because of the envious father. Jacob hadn't seen Rachel for all but ten minutes before he loved her and was willing to work 7 years and 1 week before he married Rachel, and then was willing to work 7 more years after he married Rachel. Samson hadn't known Delilah for a day and loved her, not knowing she was after much more and he ended up committing suicide after.

Even after all of these stories are told, we still are left with that nagging question: Is it okay to say those 3 words even if time hasn't lapsed? In the gay community, it is frowned upon. You will hear things like 'That's not love, its lust' or 'How can you love someone you barely know?' All good points, but all are also very cynical. Love is blind. You also hear this saying, too, especially from the same cynical people. If love is compared to the person it is modeled after, it would mean that love has no respect of physical condition, skin color or anything else that one sees with one’s eyes. So, shouldn't time be considered in this as well since, after all, blindness cannot see time?

Then, if this is true, why are we putting time limits on our inner most feelings? Is it to protect your inner most self? Is it to determine if the partner is worthy of such love? Whatever the reason, just let it go. Let it breathe, and let it flourish. Love is a beautiful thing that, like grass, grows at an incredible fast speed. Loving someone should not have any time limits attached. Because we are all created in love and that love is meant to be shared, displayed and recharged.

Therefore, saying I love you can never be said too soon. But be wise, not everyone is open to love as most people are. But never give up on love, never give up on voicing your love and never stop loving who you are.
 Chazak, chazak, v'nitchazek - Be strong, be strong, and may you have strength!

Being Gay in a Religious World

For some of us, these two worlds should never collide but others of us think that the two should. For being gay to almost 99% of the gay and bisexual community is something that is formed at birth but because of the religious world we live in, that numbers dwindles because of the thought that it can be fixed. This is the first error that has caused many believers who are gay to abandon their faith. For how can G-d love one part of you but condemn the rest? It seems almost like a contradiction, but to the religious, the almighty can not contradict itself.  So for that, we must look at the bigger picture: are these people mixing in their disapproval into their faith? As an outsider, I say yes. Because many of these people have either; never met a gay man or lesbian woman, had a conversation with them and/or put aside their anger long enough to reach out.

Every year for Pride I see the same religious people boycotting and picketing the parade. I encounter the same closed minded people who think that being gay is a disease that they don’t want to catch. And every year, instead of being upset and yelling back at these people, I reevaluate myself and my faith. I ask myself, ‘How can I better my people so these types of things don’t happen?’  and ‘Where can I start changing the public’s negative image of homosexuality?’ Each answer I come up with is, my Beit K'nesset which means "place of assembly".  If we are to change the world, we first must change ourselves. We need to show our own brothers and sisters that there is love to be found if you only just look with positive eyes. We need to get rid of negative connotations towards other gay men and women. We as a people have to start teaching tolerance to our kids, because that’s who holds tomorrow’s world. We can’t just tell them to love other people and then turn around and tell our friends how much you dislike drag queens, or that gay people shouldn’t adopt children. With this kind of attitude, nothing will ever change for any of us; Gay or straight, religious or atheist.

So with this coming Rosh Hashanah, I challenge all of you to make amends and change your ways and thoughts of negativity. Help others by first helping yourself and those closest to you. Be the light of hope that your community needs and don’t wait for someone else to do it because it may never get done. Gay men and women, transgender men and women, bisexual men and women, straight men and women, it doesn’t matter what you identify with, we are all the same inside. We are all emotional, breathing and talented human beings. Now let’s treat each other as such. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d’s will.

The Concept of G-d; Man’s Creation

In a world filled with violence and pain, sorrow and despair, we as humans find a way to fill the void of tragedy anyway we can. Most of us run to religion because we want some sort of hope in the face of chaos. Some of us turn to science because we want to make rationalizations about the events happening in our lives. And select few of us turn to death and plead with him to remove us from the battlefield. But whichever choice you pick, the one choice that seems to be picked by many people is the concept that G-d is the reason behind it. G-d is either unpleased with a group so G-d sends a hurricane. Or G-d is disgusted with a sect and so G-d sends terrorists. Or an earthquake, or tsunami or a famine or the cliché; a flood. However you want to word it is fine but you must realize that everything said is only man’s concept of G-d.

No one has spoken to G-d directly and no one has seen G-d at all and anyone telling you they have is not telling the full truth. The Bible, which my Christian counterparts will so lovely point out, is the only truth there is. But I most protest; the bible is only collections of stories written by humans and translated by humans (bigot, racist, ignorant and homophobic humans). And yet we are required to believe what they say because they had a direct line to the Divine? Ridiculous. The only thing Jews follow from the bible, or Tanach (which is a compilation of what Christians titled the Old Testament), are the laws of Moses and even those have evolved and been rewritten, some done away with. The other stories, before and after, are just that; good reads and great inspiration for occasions, like Passover or Shavuot.  But where does G-d come in at? G-d is shown speaking to people, most of the time in warning of destruction. G-d is also seen as being on fire or moving like a cloud. All these accounts are just a wonderful painting to what people think of G-d. But no one knows who G-d is exactly so they make up ideas about G-d and tell people they have heard from G-d.

One thing I know about any deity created from the thought of man is that the idea is only functional to the person who believes. And for that, my G-d is not vengeful so G-d will not send natural occurrences to punish any person. My G-d is all inclusive because if in fact we are all created by Divine image (both godlike and angelic) then all people, regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, disability, ethnicity are all loved and are without flaw and blemish in the eyes of G-d.  The concept of sin is different in every religion so too is sin a man made imposition. G-d is both perfect and imperfect because I am both. G-d is emotional because I am emotional. G-d is one because I am one. G-d’s will is my will because my will is G-d’s will. All of these concepts make G-d real for me, but I will not burden someone who believes Bacchus, or someone who believes the Earth is their G-d.

So all these prayers given up to ones divine deity about peace will never come to pass until these same people accept and understand that G-d is different for everyone. G-d doesn’t just work for one group of persons and not another. And the many names that people may call their G-d are all welcome: Zeus, Jupiter, Buddha, Jesus, Gaia, Chronos, Adonai, Goddess, Li Grand Zombi, among many others. This type of tolerance will bring the love that the Divine has destined to be in our lives. This type of acceptance will bring the peace in which was founded on our slowly dying planet. But until that happens, nothing will change if people don’t change closed minded thoughts. The concept of G-d will forever be man’s creation and it will soon lead to much heartache and pain if it isn’t rethought and revamped. Hine mah tov uMah Nayim shevet achim gam yachad. That is my prayer and my wish for all humans to live together in unity. Ken yehi ratzon.

Nachamu, Nachamu Ami!

Isaiah says, "Nachamu, Nachamu Ami Yomer Eloheychem" Which translated means, 'Comfort, Comfort my people says your G-d.' which is the passage that starts off our Haftarah portion after Tisha B'Av, a day of mourning in Jewish tradition. After weeks of reducing our joy in commemoration of many horrible events, two of which are the temples that were both destroyed on the ninth of Av (the first by the Babylonians in 586 B.C.E.; the second by the Romans in 70 C.E), we are given a reminder that G-d is there to comfort us in time of tragic events. Even when it feels that the Divine has removed itself from our presence, the Divine reminds us that we are still comforted by the thoughts of life, love and togetherness. A rabbi once told me that G-d isn't in me, or you but between us. The comfort is there when we need it and is able to tapped into whenever we are ready. My question to you is; what comforts you today?

A few weeks before Tisha B'Av, I was admitted to the hospital for six days because of a deadly, contagious virus I had contracted through the air. I was in so much pain that my morphine intake went from every six hours to every 4 hours. I was given several spinal taps and countless blood draws. And each day I was in the hospital, while high on morphine, I recited the Sh'ma, one of the most important prayers I know. I had friends call and stop by and each time, I was comforted. Both of my Rabbi's in Sacramento called me to see how I was doing and it gave me such comfort. Each time someone said a prayer for me, I felt comfort. Needless to say, the morphine gave me comfort as well.

So today, I feel my comfort with the people around me, no matter what is going on. No matter what the unemployment situation is in the nation, or the debt crisis going on, or the tragic weather happening in our world, the Divine sends us comfort in ways that we may not realize. Open your hearts and minds and embrace the stranger who asks for help on the street, you may be their comfort. Eradicate the hatred in your hearts, your love can be a comfort to, at the very least, one person. Let's not repeat history and have our 'inner temple' destroyed because of sinat chinam: baseless hatred. Let love's light end all ignorance, intolerance and injustice. May your heart be filled with peace, love, joy and nachamu. Comfort. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d's will.

Yom Ga'avah {Happy Pride}

This Pride season has been a month of difficult journey, lessons and triumph. Even with all the anti-gay propaganda and the right wing religious view of Senator Ruben Diaz against gay marriage, we still gained one more victory to equal rights: New York State passed a law allowing same sex couples to marry. Baruch Ha'Shem! How wonderful it is to allow acceptance and tolerance into one's life. We have a lot to celebrate today and the rest of the Pride season. G-d is working G-d's miracles in the lives of true love and happiness, both gay and straight alike.

This Pride let us also remember the ones who died fighting for equal rights for all. Let us remember Stonewall. Let us not forget the men and women who died of AIDS before and after medication was created. Let us remember our Transgender sisters and brothers who were beaten to death because they were different. Let's remember that the journey isn't over just yet and we still have a way to travel. Zicronam L'vracha: The memories of the righteous will always be a blessing. Joseph F. Beam, David P. Brill, Stephen Donaldson, Steve Endean, Barbara Gittings, Harry Hay, Essex Hemphill, Brenda Howard, Morris Kight, Phyllis Lyon, Del Martin, Harvey Milk, Bayard Rustin, as well as others whom I may not know of or have forgotten.

As a community, both LGBT and straight, we must learn to love ourselves as well as others. We must learn to differentiate between religious ignorance and G-d's true love. I saw a dear friend of mine's picture that read, 'G-d Accepts You~ GAY' and I began to smile deeply. Love, light, happiness and acceptance is finally starting to shine through in the world. May we all continue to live, learn and grow in truth and beauty and create a better and more accepting world for everyone to live in. Oseh shalom bim'romav hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu v'al kol Yis'ra'eil v'im'ru Amein: May the One who makes peace, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. To which we say, Amen.

Yom Ga'avah: Happy Pride!

The Problem With Gay Love

I got your attention now? Good! Sit down and pay attention.

Have you ever wondered why in pictures of gay marriage rallies you seldom see black gay couples standing and defending this human right? Well, I have. And to piggy back on my last post, I will say it again; it is the social media that creates this black hole into the gay community. But not only is it the sex hook up sites that creates this distorted view of monogamy, but it's the Hollywood adaptation of what gay relationships should be like. You see the tall, physically fit guy who gets the almost flawed but still perfect guy, who happens to also be physically fit. And it creates this notion that the only way to get a successful relationship is to be physically fit.

But what our community fails to understand is that true love knows no boundaries, no judgments, and no conditions. Too long have people confused the idea of love with the feeling of lust. Lust is, at the very essence, conditional. Lust has its infatuation period that all too quickly ends and when it does, we act like love has eluded us yet again. But we can't expect to be ready for love when we can't even distinguish the difference between the two.

Someone asked me what my blog was about and who it is directed toward. Well, I speak for the guys who are subjected to rejection because they don't have a six pack. I speak for the guys who are ridiculed for being feminine and shunned by our own community for it. I speak for the men who struggle every day with being a single gay parent. I speak for the people who are subjected to condemnation because of religious beliefs and forced to live a lie because of it. I speak for the people who are genuinely looking for love but can't seem to find it because the media says they are not white enough, or black enough, or Asian enough or muscular enough or fit enough or rich enough or American enough. I speak for men who are thrown away because they are HIV positive. I speak for you.

People need to wake up to the new light of day and realize that you will continue to be single, bitter and lonely if you don't stop the self hating, racist and judgmental words you put out in the world. What attracts you is one thing, but putting someone down or closing them out is another. We all have a list of what we want our perfect guy or girl to look like but if you haven't lived long enough you won't know that there isn't a thing that is perfect. Use this list as a guideline, not as a contract. Open yourself up to people who are ‘outside of the box’. Then and only then will you find true love. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d's will.

Gay 2k

The year 2000 was a year that started a slew of changes: heighten airport security, furious weather conditions, global terrorist attacks, and a decline in the love department in the  Chadash dor: new generation of gays. These new young group of homosexuals who were born in the 90s and are entering college in this millennium are being raised on Adam4Adam, BGC, Man Hunt and the numerous club and ball room scene. All of these venues encourage relations more than they do relationships. And that is a problem in many ways.

When I read status messages on Facebook and Twitter saying 'I am looking for my next ex' or 'There is no need for love' or even 'Sex is all I care about.' I just sigh. As disheartening as this is, I propose the question; "What do we expect these kids (literally) to feel when all they see is sex and failed relationships all around them?" The role model's these kids have are their gay mama or daddy who aren't but 3 or 4 years older than them and are single as well. They dream to be the next Shorty J or the next Diesel Washington. The main sources of income they know are part time fast food joints and vogueing at the next ball. The majority of their 24 hour day is spent on Facebook and Twitter for 22 hours talking about what they did moment to moment.

It is sad to watch our next generation getting into relationships and 3 weeks later becoming single. Its hurtful to ask these kids what they aim for in a relationship and they can't come up with an answer. These beautiful kids need our help and our guidance. They need to know that LTR's (long term relationships) do work and they are out there. They need to know that life isn't all about sex, drugs and the internet. They need to know there is more to life than traveling to the nearest Black Gay Pride, just to be sexy and have sex. They need to be educated on the real meaning of Pride. They need to learn about Stonewall, Prop 8, and Harvey Milke Day, among other important gay history.

But they cannot do it alone. We have to help them. We have to teach them and be there for them. I pray that our next generation opens their eyes and minds and holds their self esteem higher than any wayward dick or ass. Love is out there and it will come to you when you mature and are ready to receive it. Whatever your mind can conceive, it will achieve. Ken Yehi Ratzon: May it be G-d's will.

Let's Take A Walk

Tis the season to be jolly and no I am not talking about the overrated season of Santa and his merry elves; it is graduation time! The time when a person has completed their studies and are receiving a diploma for their achievements. High school students are walking across the stage all over in relief that the last four years are finally over. College students are awaiting life with their newly won degrees and some are off to pursue an advanced degree of some sort. But whether you are becoming a college student, a graduate student or just jumping into the workforce; my cap goes in the air for you. Your journey was one that wasn't easy in any way and it has been won with perseverance, dedication and love.

The Talmud comments that "Study is necessary in order to teach." The importance of study is attested to in another Talmudic discussion (Kiddushin 40b) about which is preferred: study or action. The answer there, a seeming compromise, is "study that leads to action." This discussion is liken to the saying 'think before you act/speak' and is one that is very relevant now to graduating students. Although some students have been thinking about their future for years and years, there are those who like to wait till the very last minute to do anything. Well, baby, the time is now. If you don't go on to further your education deeper, then what is your next step? What will you do with your free time? Now is the time to study the pros and the cons and make a decision on where you are going from this point on.

Let's change the statistics of our youth dropping out of high school, college and out of reality. Let us help them make a choice that will better their lives, better their future and broaden their horizons. You may not ever move from the place you were raised but that doesn't mean you can't learn about other places or visit somewhere else. Let's help our kids shut off Facebook, Twitter and MySpace and visit a college campus of their interest. Cut off the television and read about a career plan to get you into the work place. Whatever your goals for life are, make sure it's one that will benefit you in love, happiness and the future. Let's make our generation a generation of change.

Y'varech'cha Adonai v'yishm'recha. Ya-eir Adonai panav eilecha vichuneka. Yisha Adonai panav eilecha v'yaseim l'cha shalom. {May G-d bless you and keep you. May G-d's light shine upon you and may G-d be gracious to you. May you feel G-d's Presence within you always, and may you find peace.}

Mazel Tov!

Hafaygelah: Homophobia in Reglious Life

In honor of the LGBT Pride season, topics are springing up in my head left and right. I chose to talk about a topic that is very relevant not just in our daily life but in our religious one as well; homophobia. Many religious sects use a verse in the bible to aim their disapproval towards gay men and women: Vayikra (Leviticus) 18:22 which reads in Hebrew is:

וְאֶת-זָכָר--לֹא תִשְׁכַּב, מִשְׁכְּבֵי אִשָּׁה:  תּוֹעֵבָה, הִוא

{Ve-et zachar lo tishcav mishkevei isha to'evah hi}

Translated means 'A man shall not lie with another man as he would lie with a woman, it is a to'evah'. The word to'evah has been misunderstood and incorrectly translated to 'abomination' when it does not mean abomination at all. To'evah means basically 'foreign'. The term to'evah is used almost a hundred and three times in the Tanach (bible) in regards to foreign practices. This is why there is no Hebrew word for homosexual, homosexuality or gay (in the meaning of the latter). The acts of gay sex were foreign and believed to be apart of idol worship. I mean, how many times have you told your kids not to watch something on TV until you researched the show yourself and made sure it was okay for a child? But as time progressed, so did the laws. Homosexuality was seen as a work of Ha'Shem as was heterosexuality. There became a word for gay men and women. Judaism itself does not prohibit or in any way look down upon homosexual love. And in the eyes of Judaism the love between two men or two women can be as natural as the love between a man and a woman.

In other parts of the Tanach was the word to'evah used: Bereshit (Genesis) 43:32 states that eating with Israelites is to'evah for Egyptians. Bereshit 43:34 states that shepherds are to'evah to Egyptians—the sons of Israel are themselves shepherds. In Shemot (Exodus) 8:22, Moses describes Israelite sacrifices as being to'evat mitzrayim (foreign to Egypt), although obviously Israelite ritual is not an objective abomination. If to'evah means abomination, then eating with shepherds, eating with Israelites, and Israelite sacrifices themselves must be abominable! Since this clearly is not the case, to'evah cannot mean abomination. But this has been the case since King James translated Hebrew to his liking and homosexuals at that time were seen as demons and serious sinners who should be obliterated from the earth (or at the very least 'saved'). Many religions now use the King James Version of the bible as the solid truth and no other but G-d could have translated this. This lack of knowledge has birth the rise of homophobia and the unacceptance of gay men and women in religion today.

What is troubling to me are the many preachers and ministers saying Adonai is a being that is all loving and only hates a certain group of people. This is an oxymoron. Something that G-d is not. As stated in my last blog-drash, we are all created in the Divine image and according to Bereshit 1:27, G-d saw what G-d had made and it was good. Human beings, human nature and human sexuality were apart of this goodly sight. So why is homophobia and the unacceptance of homosexuality so relavant in religious life? Answer: The uneducated opinions of people who feel they may be raped by a three hundred pound gay "demon". This is even more sadly growing in the black community where being a homosexual is seen as being less of a man. This is why the 'down low' life is so shockingly alive and gay men and women are subject to abuse that may end in homicide or suicide.

People need to wake up and stop throwing their hateful opinions in with their religious views. G-d cannot dwell where hate (to anything and anyone, including self) resides. So this Pride season, whether gay or not, embrace love and enjoy each breath you take. Stop hating yourself and the people around you because you don’t understand. Don't let something that is to'evah become an abomination. Educate yourself, love yourself and enjoy the peace that was handed to all of us.

Baruch shebara ahavah v'achavah v'shalom v'rei'ut: Blessed is the One who creates love, harmony, peace and companionship. Ken yehi ratzon, may it be G-d's will.

Yatsa ha'aron: Coming Out the Closet

It is 2011, we live in the 21st century, the world is aging, and everyday gas, food and rent prices are going up. We live in a world where crime is always a story on the news and natural disasters happen all the time. Our society is constantly struggling between the liberal and the conservative views. But if all of these things are changing before our eyes, why is our own gay community still stagnant? The people who have never resided in the closet are still persecuted for their lifestyle, they are still bullied as young kids and are treated with discrimination in all the states for being homosexual. Since gay marriage has become a topic of constitutional discussion in the 1970s, only four states, Washington DC and the Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon have grated same sex marriages legal in their constitution since the beginning of 2004. Only 11 states have legalized 'civil unions' or 'domestic partnerships' and two don't have a law restricting or permitting gay marriage. It seems that with all of this sluggish and slow changing times, why would people feel the need to come out of the closet? They feel safer to stay, for a lack of better terms, closeted in their own world for numerous reasons. Maybe their job would fire them. Maybe their family would disown them. Maybe they would be judged by their religious peers. Maybe all of the above and more.

But still each day, someone finds the courage to accept the inevitable and open the door to the lightless closet they have been staying in. They become a hero in the eyes of the community because we all know of the coming negativity that will soon (if it hasn't already) ascend. But with each one of us standing by these heroes, they become less alone. They have support and love from people who find their story inspiring. And this makes the negativity that arises, minute. We see the power of people like Sean Hayes, Ricky Martin, Cynthia Nixon and Wanda Sykes. We behold the beauty of people like Ellen, Rosie, Elton John, Ian McKellen, and Lance Bass. And we gaze at the bravery of Don Lemon and the Phoenix Suns president Rick Welts, who aren't apart of the Hollywood style of entertainment. These men are a huge boost to moral because they weren't outted by being caught in the park with a male hooker or hitting on an undercover cop in a male restroom. These men have positive views on life and have been driven to stand up for what is right in life. Rick Welts choose to reveal his personal life after events where Kobe Bryant called a referee a "faggot," and where Tim Hardaway proclaimed, "I hate gay people." Don Lemon has become a wonderful icon for high profile African Americans who are also out and proud gay men, which sadly is less than the number of fingers I have on my hand.

This journey is never easy or without evil. It will be hard but it will be worth it. You may lose friends and family but you will gain so many more people to replace the vacancy. Whatever you believe your G-d to be, just know they will not let you fail or fall. Coming out the closet is a huge step and we will be here to help you all through the pain and confusion that may arise. There is beauty and power in accepting your life as it is. We are all b’tzelem Elohim- created in the image of G-d. All human life, whether straight or gay, is holy and worthy of profound respect and understanding. We are all born the way we are. So let us all start accepting who we are and start betzalmo: thanking G-d for creating us in the Divine image. Kol Adonai ba'ko'ach, kol Adonai be'hadar: Hear G-d's voice in power; hear G-d's voice in beauty.

Thank you Don and Rick for your bravery, inspiration and power. May many more people follow your footsteps and may they have positive influences and support when they come out. Yisa Adonai panav eilecha v'yaseim l'cha shalom: May you all feel G-d's presence within you always, and may you find peace. Ken yehi ratzon; may it be G-d's will.

V'ahavtah L'rey-acha Kamocha: Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

I have many friends who feel religion is a pointless, mind-slavery waste of time. How could anyone worship a god who is vengeful and a vicious warlord? How can people believe in a book that is full of contradictions? And these friends of mine have every right to feel the way they feel. Especially after the many hate filled protests of Fred Phelp’s congregation or from Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Weiss and his anti-zionist, anti-Israel, burning the Israeli flag beliefs. Why should my friend’s feel the need to believe in a god who can condone such ignorance and baseless hatred?

They shouldn’t. Because that god isn’t real. That god isn’t the god that is illuminated in love and peace. The One who grants peace to the high heavens and to us here is the one who is truly in existence. There is no such thing as ‘love hating’ anything. It would be a lie. It would be an oxymoron. Everything is created in the Divine’s image and everything is given the upmost respect from the Divine. We, as humans, pick and chose how to deal with our fate and our emotions. We, as humans, chose our actions and our worship. We, as flawed humans, carry out the positive or the negative. G-d, in any creation to your liking, just shows us the path. Whether G-d is Dionysus, Hera, Bacchus, Bromios, Dendrites, Jesus, Budda, Adonai, Aphrodite, Muhammad, or any name; if this figure is based solely in love and acceptance for all people, then that is the true meaning of the Divine. The Divine cannot not dwell in hate, ignorance or any variation of the two because we as humans are the one’s who act on such evil.

And this brings about the next question: what about the events in the Bible that portray the Holy One to be a vengeful deity? Well, my rabbi once explained it like this: the bible is not true but it is truth. The events, the stories, the fables in the bible can’t be proven to have happened. So it makes it not true. But the underlying principles, the concepts of the stories, the moral of each tale are what makes it truth. We all can relate to a personal Egypt in which enslaved us and then we were freed from. Whether it is drug abuse, alcoholism, self- homophobia, etc, we all can relate these sufferings to the Passover story. There’s a saying during this festival ‘What G-d did for me, when I came out of Egypt.’ The Divine showed us the way, and we freed ourselves with the help of the Divine. No one can prove that the world was made at the drop of a dime in 6 days but it gives us a guideline into a period where we work, satisfy others, or make a paycheck and a period where we relax and meditate and soak in our surroundings. The Unitarian Universalists church believes that the Christian Bible, or the Torah, or the Qu’ran or any other account of human experience, not to be either an infallible guide or the exclusive source of truth. They respect the sacred literature of other religions. They aspire to truth as wide as the world, they look to find truth anywhere, universally. And it is in this acceptance of all people, this respect for all religions, other than their own, that I see G-d. Because their love for their fellow neighbor shines through. In Judaism, the Nisim B’chol Yom: For Daily Miracles, there is a passage that shows me G-d and unity. “I am a Jew because in EVERY place where suffering weeps, the Jew weeps. I am a Jew because at EVERY time when despair cries out, the Jew hopes. I am a Jew because, above humanity, image of the divine Unity, the Jew places the unity which is divine.”

To love your fellow man as yourself is not so difficult to achieve but for some it is the hardest thing to do. If we look inside ourselves, cleanse the negative energy from our spirit, educate our ignorance and embrace the love that is surrounding us, we can achieve countless miracles in our lives. We can see love like we have never seen it before. In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, “One day, ALL of G-d’s children, white and black, Jews and Gentiles will join hands and sing in that old spiritual song- free at last, free at last, thank G-d almighty, we are free at last.” It doesn’t matter what you believe, what you worship, or what you practice, as long as the love in your life shines through, all good things will come your way. Ken yehi ratzon; May it be G-d’s will.

Forever Never Comes

My heart beats to the whim of the sound
To the sound of everlasting love
Love to ever last and ever live.
My heart races to the tick of time
Time of beauty and truth
Truth that we'll be here forever.

Forever never comes.
My heart slows at the loss of you
You, who left me at a loss
A loss for hope and love.
My heart stops at the pain I endure
Enduring it, for fate demands
Demanding destiny to unfold.

Forever never comes.
I cant feel the beat of my heart
My heart has vanished
Vanished from thin air.
I go blind from the loss of heart.
I become deaf from the loss of it.
I am now paralyzed from the loss of him.
I cannot breath from the loss of control.
I slowly freeze from the loss of...

Forever never comes.
My pain flows through the veins like a river
My heart still unwilling to move
My sorrow fills my eyes from yesterday
Yesterday which became today which becomes tomorrow.
But tomorrow doesn't become you and you don't become forever.

Forever,
For in the ever most parts of death you have me
For me ever.
Ever for me.
Me, forever.
I only have me to keep the cycle going.
To become alive again and live a life again.
For I can only hope
Hope is now
Now is me
Me...

Forever finally came.

Bert and Ernie Story

An elderly couple, Ernie and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his partner,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Ernie looked him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into th e kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Ernie, a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ernie looked up and exclaimed,

'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, ERNIE?'

'Nope', he replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing his expression, Ernie replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Time & Love

Two words that are at the top of the chain of oxymoron's. It is a shame that majority of the people in the world have slanted views on when you should love someone and when you should stop loving someone. Also, when its time to get over them and a time limit on being with them before certain things happen, and blah blah blah. I am done listening to people's opinion that don't matter. I appreciate the acts of kindness because either you can sympathize or empathize with what I am going through or because you just know a lot. Don't get me wrong, your words mean something to me, but the only people's opinion that really matters are my brother, my best friend and Keith. Reason for that is because they have been there in person to experience what I go through and deal with on a daily basis. They have been there since the beginning and have seen the bond that I developed.

See, it's like the presidential election. You have the nominee up for president, their campaign followers, and the voters. Their campaign followers guide them on what they should say or do, but its the voters who have the final word. In a way I am saying that you have me, my friends (either online, acquaintances, confidants, buddies) and then you have the three I listed earlier (whom I dubbed the Sex and the City friends). My friends can tell me to leave him, get over him and fuck him, seeing how they have never met him and are basing what happened to what they've been told in the past. And I'll consider that. But if my Sex and the City friends tell me that I need to fight for him and take as much time as I need, uh, hello, I'm gonna go with that first.

WHY?

Because they know from a first hand basis what the relationship was about and who this guy, that I have known for a short period of time, was. What he meant to me, and how close we became so quickly. They have interacted with us and have seen the love we shared for each other. So they know better than anybody. I love all my friends and thank them for their support, but my voters make the final call. Dax (unlike the others) was not a bad man and he was not a fuck up. We cared deeply for each other and nothing will ever change that. Time and love just weren't on each other's side and I will take my time on getting over him.

Guess its the curse for being a Pisces.

Thank You's

*My older brother Marcy...for all the unconditional love and support I have needed to get thru life. Your kind, yet harsh at times, words and many acts of generosity to keep me standing in this world. My thanks jus doesnt seem to be enough.

*My bestest best friend, Tone'e...cause witout you, there would be no Jonathan Denise Lee. You have kept my eyes dry and nose...well, not runny. You have been there to see it ALL. And have stayed thru it ALL. When I was in jail, there u were beside me. LOL...

{{Without you two, I dont know how I would be alive.}}

*Keith...my kefus, for being my "Samantha" in our S & C click.

*Bobby Jones, Jr......for being my TIGGER~and always being there in all ways. To see me thru my many hardships.

*Dax....because I am thankful for you for reasons beknownst only to you.

*Mike...for keepin me by your heart and never letting me go. You have done more than you can imagine to help me thru this. Thank you forever.

*Steven and Juda...for at least saving me in my despair.

*My Father & lil sisters...the reason Im still sane.

*Ck...to know that there is someone who is worried when I dont keep in touch, all the more reason to live.

*P. James Chase....for keepin my mind stayed on the project at hand, my soon to be happiness and nothing else.

*Devin...for caring and loving me truly.

*Franky...being my knight in shining armour.

*Tavon Buddy...for the many nights we have shared tears over our obstacles together.

*Majority of my family...to prove to me EXACTLY who NOT to depend on.

*Jane...for letting me know that perfect strangers can become perfect friends.

*Tony, Richard, Anton, Chantez and Jai (my ex's)...because threw it all, you did not kill me [tho some of you tried]. Which only means, that you made me stronger. Also to show me that after a broken heart, life still goes on. So yea, even the most fucked up ppl have helped me some....

Thank you to everyone who has come in and out of my life. Everything happens for a reason and everything and everyone has a purpose. You have helped me in more ways then one, and if you were not officially recognized, charge it to the mind and not the heart.

9th and Oak

What happens when your mind wonders to the first time you met? To the first place your eyes locked? To the first touch your hands had? To the first kiss you shared? Do you lock those memories away to hold onto? Or do you let go and forget they ever happened?

Where do you go when you heart is been broken and no doctor can fix? Where do you run when there are reminders of him all around you? Where do you hide when the pain of seeing his face is in your dreams? Do you lock those feelings away to hold onto? Or do you let go and forget they ever happened?

9th and Oak, Powell Street Denny's, Ocean Beach, Golden Gate park, Baghdad's Cafe, Orange lillies, 9AX Muni, 16th Street BART, Battery and Union, IKEA, Day in Vallejo, your touch, your kiss, your smile, your green eyes, your hug, your laugh, your octave change...

Do I lock these memories away to hold onto? Or do I let go and forget they ever happened?

The Power of Love

This scene in Charmed was one of the reasons why I will never give up on love or the faith that there is someone for me. I love....LOVE.

He

He is the one who holds my heart.
He is the most incredible man in the world.
He is the epitome of coolness.
He puts a smile on my face just at the thought of him.
His touch is like no other.
His spirit is so beautiful.
His love is infinite.
He is to be cherished forever.
I love him.
He loves me.
He keeps me sane.
He keeps the fire burning.
He is the truth of my every existence.
My heart skips two beats when I see him.
He is sexy.
He is love.
He is....
He is me.

The L Word

I love you.
I stand thinking of how many times can I just be in the dark.
Your smile keeps me warm, and your touch keeps me safe.
My thoughts wrap around your beautiful distress of mathematics
Equations and theorems God used to form the answer to my emptiness.
How can I make words of why my love extends past the stars?
How can I form the sentences to which you demand the story?
It just happened, the moment of time I laid eyes on you.

Love, I you.
But I stand asking where now? What now? How now?
Its morning and my tear stained cheeks have no feeling.
The dark seems to be lingering around.
Tell me, do you want me to keep praying for something?
Shall my faith keep my joy on what may the future bring,
Or what the future may bring?
My words forget formation and my periods disappear

You, I love.
The seconds, the minutes, the hours my heart beats
The days, the weeks, the months my heart cries
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings that I can not hide
Your free to leave me, but just don't deceive me.
If you wont leave me, then don't tease me.
Your the one I choose. Above all else.

Please believe me when I say,
I love you.