22 April 2010
Ken Yehi Ratzon
As I sat in the hospital room of my friend Dante and watched him struggle, fight and suffer through his illness, I continuously prayed the Mi Sheberach all the while preparing in case I had to start reciting the Mourner's Kaddish. In the deepest part of my heart, I believe that humans (if only myself) should always prepare for the worst, but always and fervently hope for the best. My prayer to G-d was one to heal him and let my friend survive this deadly battle and to help his family through what may happen if.
That 'if' is what most people pray for G-d not to do, and its completely natural. We, as humans, fear death especially one that arrives so early, so sudden and so young. We ask G-d not to take our babies, our loved ones, to not leave us alone, to keep them here a little while longer. You get the point. A good friend said to me, 'I will pray for healing and may it be G-d's will that he live.' As I read the last part of his statement, I was reminded about the hebrew 'ken yehi ratzon'~May it be G-d's will~ and thought, what if it's G-d's will to take my friend? That his life has been successfully fulfilled in G-d's eyes? That now the prayer shouldnt be for G-d not to take Dante, but to help US through the taking. Help us understand, even though knowing how hard and confusing it will be.
My prayer after that day wasn't the Mi Sheberach but, sadly, then became the Mourner's Kaddish. And no matter how much I prepared for that feeling, no matter how hard I prayed that I would understand, when the call came in at 5:20am that morning, I sent it to voicemail. I wasn't ready to hear it. Ten minutes later, another call came through and at 5:50am, I finally answered the 3rd call. I was lost, hurt, and confused. I became angry with G-d and wondered why G-d had me experience death face to face. Why this had to be the time to see it upfront? I heard of Katrina's murder weeks after it happened, Krys's mom called me a month after he passed, a police officer told me about Jerel's death, I received a call from Glenny's sister that he passed, and I was told at work about Christian's murder. But Dante? I watched him laugh in his hospital bed claiming he was leaving in 2 days, slip into a coma the day after, and slowly die in front of me.
I have no idea why, but can only say that there is some purpose to why it happened the way it did. Zichronam l'Vracha ~"May their memory be for blessing'.~
That 'if' is what most people pray for G-d not to do, and its completely natural. We, as humans, fear death especially one that arrives so early, so sudden and so young. We ask G-d not to take our babies, our loved ones, to not leave us alone, to keep them here a little while longer. You get the point. A good friend said to me, 'I will pray for healing and may it be G-d's will that he live.' As I read the last part of his statement, I was reminded about the hebrew 'ken yehi ratzon'~May it be G-d's will~ and thought, what if it's G-d's will to take my friend? That his life has been successfully fulfilled in G-d's eyes? That now the prayer shouldnt be for G-d not to take Dante, but to help US through the taking. Help us understand, even though knowing how hard and confusing it will be.
My prayer after that day wasn't the Mi Sheberach but, sadly, then became the Mourner's Kaddish. And no matter how much I prepared for that feeling, no matter how hard I prayed that I would understand, when the call came in at 5:20am that morning, I sent it to voicemail. I wasn't ready to hear it. Ten minutes later, another call came through and at 5:50am, I finally answered the 3rd call. I was lost, hurt, and confused. I became angry with G-d and wondered why G-d had me experience death face to face. Why this had to be the time to see it upfront? I heard of Katrina's murder weeks after it happened, Krys's mom called me a month after he passed, a police officer told me about Jerel's death, I received a call from Glenny's sister that he passed, and I was told at work about Christian's murder. But Dante? I watched him laugh in his hospital bed claiming he was leaving in 2 days, slip into a coma the day after, and slowly die in front of me.
I have no idea why, but can only say that there is some purpose to why it happened the way it did. Zichronam l'Vracha ~"May their memory be for blessing'.~
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