July was a good month economically for me but was a tough one emotionally. I had met a few guys but weren't really compatible with them. The main focus that I had tried to avoid was Ivan for so many reasons. One, I wanted to remain single, two, he didn't no what gender he wanted and three, it was too soon after Dax anyways. But somehow or another, I spun the web again. We spent the 4th together even tho it was too foggy to see any fireworks, we only just sat and listened to them. I met his grandfather by accident that night and throughout the month, spent my time and energy on him. He told me toward the end of the month that he was talking to this girl, but wouldn't make a solid decision between me or her until he came back from his trip to ATL next month. So I buckled down and did what any emotionally driven gay man would do, tried to prove my worth was better than....hers. The very last weekend, I went camping in Bodega Bay with my good friends and got a spiritual uplift that I needed for so long. Right then I made the decision to take Ivan camping. When I pitched the idea, he was game.
So in August, I made the plans to go with Ivan to Lake Tahoe for a weekend of camping at the end of the month after he returned from ATL. I had this feeling that I was going to lose this subconscious battle but at this point I just didn't care anymore. I had started my YouTube show this month and my blog site was doing well. This month was also the month of the Black Gay Film festival and where I met my good friends, Maurice Jamal and Kenny G. It was this weekend, and incidentally at the dinner we all attended, that I got the epiphany that whatever happens between me and Ivan was meant to be and that I was not to get upset about it. As soon as I realized that, I knew he was going to pick...her. Sure'nuf, Monday rolled around and he came back from his ATL trip scared to talk to me. Once I got him to break the ice, he confessed that he wanted a 'family' and that he couldn't get that from me (I sent this email to Kenny and Keith cuz I needed help, badly). I smiled and said I understood, even though my insides were raging and wanting to whoop some ass. He asked were we still going camping and I said yes. Camping was a fuck fest in itself and I thought, yes sure you want her but you here with me. And it was THAT mindset I got stuck in for the next few months and would ultimately be the demise of our friendship.
September....
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