When I had unlocked the door to the apartment I have in Downtown Oakland, I noticed all the lights were on; the kitchen light, the light above the stove, the living room light, all the lamps in the living room, and the bedroom light. I never made it to see if the bathroom light was on, because that’s when I began to hear movement. My feet scurried across the floor and a smile broke across my face when I knew it was my lover in the bedroom. He stopped me in my tracks by coming to the door with a blank look on his face. I saw that the bathroom light was on and four suitcases that had been packed and sat by the foot of the bed. William began to close the bedroom door and I began to wonder what was going on.
“You didn’t tell me you found a place.” I naively started.
“I didn’t,” he coldly responded and then moved me out the way to walk past and into the living room. I saw him grab movies that I know he had bought, walked back into the bedroom and put them in an open suitcase on the bed.
“They sending you on an assignment?”
William sighed and looked at me.
“No,”
“Talk to me please!”
He zipped up the fifth suitcase and slammed it on the ground by the others.
“Do you know what it felt like to see you lying in the bathtub half dead?”
My eyes were zoned in onto my feet and I walked unconsciously to the bed and slowly sat at the foot.
“Do you have ANY idea of what would have happened if I decided not to come home?” William’s voice grew louder and angrier. Without thinking I replied there was only one idea.
“This is no time to fucking joke,” he boomed, “Imagine me hanging from a ceiling fan with a belt around my neck.”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“Well, you forced me to live and be a witness to that feeling. The pain and the horror that shot through my body is something nobody should ever feel. Ever!”
“And do you ever care why I tried to kill myself?”
“No, there is no excuse to ending-“
“I am HIV positive, William, H-I-V POSITIVE!” I stood up at this point, my eyes full of tears and at a yell.
“And, so what? People have syphilis, people have influenza, people have fucking virus’s every single day and they live with it. You are no special, Kenny!”
“Who, who in the hell do you know that lives with influenza? Exactly, you’re being completely stupid and insensitive to what I am dealing with right now.”
William picked up two of his suitcases and walked toward the front door as I followed.
“So, you’re leaving me cause I tried to kill myself? I need you to talk to me, please.” I heard the plea in my voice and him not answering. He just walked back past me into the bedroom and got two more suitcases. And I followed.
“William, don’t do this please. I…I need you to be here with me. I love you. Please, stop! Don’t give up on me!” I cried as he carried the last suitcase past me. He spun around and I saw anger in his eyes like I did that night.
“I gave up on you when you gave up on yourself.”
And everything after that was pretty much a blur.
No comments:
Post a Comment