No More Wandering For This Jew

Passover is a time where every Jew reflects on the Exodus from Egypt. From the time of slavery to the ten plagues to the splitting of the red seas. Its a holiday where we remember wandering in the desert in hope of the Promised Land. We refrain from eating bread type foods and replace it with a flat lifeless piece of cracker. And every Passover, every Rabbi talks about reflection and overcoming modern day slavery. The slavery of ones self. The bondage that we put on ourselves.

I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. I'm too dark. I'm not dark enough. Am I too gay? I'm ugly. No one likes me. No one cares. If he loves me, why does he treat me like this?

These are the negativities we face in world, plus more. And two years ago, when I moved from Oakland to Sacramento, this was the slavery for me. I found myself in an abusive relationship that started out verbal but ended in physical. There were few good times but they were few and far between. He hated his life, his job, his car and always wondered why bad things happened. I was tricked into doing things I didn't want to do. I found myself wondering why I was being treated the way I was. 'Did I deserve to be called an idiot?' 'Did I deserve to be talked to like I'm five?' 'Was it my fault that he hit me?' 'Why do I let it?' 'Why can't I leave?'

It was one hell of an Egypt for me. I would wake up hating life, hating myself and hating everything. Just like he did. I felt I could do no better. Like this was as good as it would get.

Then Moses came. But I called him- college.

It was as if The Holy One, baruch sh'mo, opened the Red Seas and said, "Cross!" I was accepted into college in Long Beach and next thing I knew it; I flew down to visit on Monday, found a place Tuesday, flew back to Sacramento and started packing on Wednesday. My best friend, Ivan, didn't hesitate to saddle up the pickup, drive from Oakland and move me, my cat and all my stuff to Southern California. No real goodbyes. Only empty promises that I would keep in touch with him. And then, there was the desert.

The two relationships, and I use the term very loosely, I had after my Egypt were very short lived. It was time to start healing, and acting out was the only way I knew to show it. I found professional help and new friends to help me overcome. Even though I never lost contact with old friends, it hurt that I was so far away. School came and went. I could not find work, but had Unemployment to keep me afloat. But that had an expiration date. And it was getting very close to that date.

Just like my ancestors in the wilderness, there was manna from above that fell every so often. And as quickly as the journey began, it ended. And then I found myself in the happiest state that I was in before Sacramento. I found myself in love again and he was in love with me. He cares for my thoughts and my opinions. He makes me laugh, a lot. He isn't afraid to be patient when I am being impatient. We create balance and not chaos. We make love and eradicate hate. We aren't afraid to argue because no one is put down.

Then, I was forced back to Oakland, found work and he came along for the ride. Now, there is no more wandering for this Jew. This is my Promised Land.

May yours be closer than you can see. Ken Yehi Ratzon.

National Coming Out Day

NCOD was founded in 1988 by Robert Eichberg, a psychologist from New Mexico and founder of the personal growth workshop, The Experience, and Jean O'Leary, an openly-gay political leader from Los Angeles and then head of the National Gay Rights Advocates. The date of October 11 was chosen because it was the anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights.

Now that you have the quick two second history lesson, let us begin class. I honor every gay right, civil awareness day that G-d can create. It gives the misinformed a chance to educate themselves on things they don't know anything about. And sometimes, it works. But what is disheartening is that, majority of the gay community doesn't even know about gay history. Or think it is beneath them to know such history.

Get off Adam4Adam. Get off BGCLive. Get off ManHunt. Get off all the hookup sites that you claim are 'social networking sites'. That's what Facebook, MySpace and Twitter are for. Anyone who says hookup sites are anything but, are lying to themselves and others. Being gay means more than just going to the club every Friday and Saturday. Being gay means more than going to Black Gay Pride events to show off your body you have been working on everyday prior in hopes of giving laid.

Being gay means more.

People, gay and straight alike, have fought and died for the rights of homosexuals to become equal to their heterosexual counterparts. We have fought hard to repeal DADT. We have risked our lives to strip DOMA of its horrific standpoints. People have fought hard to bring HIV Awareness to kids today. And living a lie, living on the 'down low', living with a view of only being in a relationship just to have a steady sex fest, trivializes the death, memory and history of the LGBT community. No one says you have to back Gay Marriage but there is a distinct difference from saying 'I don't want to get married to someone of the same sex' and saying 'I think gay marriage is wrong.' If you don't want to elevate your relationship to domestic partnership/marriage, then don't. But don't think that everyone should share in your ignorant views.

So on this day, put aside your differences and just love yourself for who G-d made you to be. A big, ole homosexual. But just know that it is only up to YOU to add 'happy' to that description. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d's will.

Being Gay in a Religious World

For some of us, these two worlds should never collide but others of us think that the two should. For being gay to almost 99% of the gay and bisexual community is something that is formed at birth but because of the religious world we live in, that numbers dwindles because of the thought that it can be fixed. This is the first error that has caused many believers who are gay to abandon their faith. For how can G-d love one part of you but condemn the rest? It seems almost like a contradiction, but to the religious, the almighty can not contradict itself.  So for that, we must look at the bigger picture: are these people mixing in their disapproval into their faith? As an outsider, I say yes. Because many of these people have either; never met a gay man or lesbian woman, had a conversation with them and/or put aside their anger long enough to reach out.

Every year for Pride I see the same religious people boycotting and picketing the parade. I encounter the same closed minded people who think that being gay is a disease that they don’t want to catch. And every year, instead of being upset and yelling back at these people, I reevaluate myself and my faith. I ask myself, ‘How can I better my people so these types of things don’t happen?’  and ‘Where can I start changing the public’s negative image of homosexuality?’ Each answer I come up with is, my Beit K'nesset which means "place of assembly".  If we are to change the world, we first must change ourselves. We need to show our own brothers and sisters that there is love to be found if you only just look with positive eyes. We need to get rid of negative connotations towards other gay men and women. We as a people have to start teaching tolerance to our kids, because that’s who holds tomorrow’s world. We can’t just tell them to love other people and then turn around and tell our friends how much you dislike drag queens, or that gay people shouldn’t adopt children. With this kind of attitude, nothing will ever change for any of us; Gay or straight, religious or atheist.

So with this coming Rosh Hashanah, I challenge all of you to make amends and change your ways and thoughts of negativity. Help others by first helping yourself and those closest to you. Be the light of hope that your community needs and don’t wait for someone else to do it because it may never get done. Gay men and women, transgender men and women, bisexual men and women, straight men and women, it doesn’t matter what you identify with, we are all the same inside. We are all emotional, breathing and talented human beings. Now let’s treat each other as such. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d’s will.

Yom Ga'avah {Happy Pride}

This Pride season has been a month of difficult journey, lessons and triumph. Even with all the anti-gay propaganda and the right wing religious view of Senator Ruben Diaz against gay marriage, we still gained one more victory to equal rights: New York State passed a law allowing same sex couples to marry. Baruch Ha'Shem! How wonderful it is to allow acceptance and tolerance into one's life. We have a lot to celebrate today and the rest of the Pride season. G-d is working G-d's miracles in the lives of true love and happiness, both gay and straight alike.

This Pride let us also remember the ones who died fighting for equal rights for all. Let us remember Stonewall. Let us not forget the men and women who died of AIDS before and after medication was created. Let us remember our Transgender sisters and brothers who were beaten to death because they were different. Let's remember that the journey isn't over just yet and we still have a way to travel. Zicronam L'vracha: The memories of the righteous will always be a blessing. Joseph F. Beam, David P. Brill, Stephen Donaldson, Steve Endean, Barbara Gittings, Harry Hay, Essex Hemphill, Brenda Howard, Morris Kight, Phyllis Lyon, Del Martin, Harvey Milk, Bayard Rustin, as well as others whom I may not know of or have forgotten.

As a community, both LGBT and straight, we must learn to love ourselves as well as others. We must learn to differentiate between religious ignorance and G-d's true love. I saw a dear friend of mine's picture that read, 'G-d Accepts You~ GAY' and I began to smile deeply. Love, light, happiness and acceptance is finally starting to shine through in the world. May we all continue to live, learn and grow in truth and beauty and create a better and more accepting world for everyone to live in. Oseh shalom bim'romav hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu v'al kol Yis'ra'eil v'im'ru Amein: May the One who makes peace, grant peace to all of us and to all Israel. To which we say, Amen.

Yom Ga'avah: Happy Pride!

The Problem With Gay Love

I got your attention now? Good! Sit down and pay attention.

Have you ever wondered why in pictures of gay marriage rallies you seldom see black gay couples standing and defending this human right? Well, I have. And to piggy back on my last post, I will say it again; it is the social media that creates this black hole into the gay community. But not only is it the sex hook up sites that creates this distorted view of monogamy, but it's the Hollywood adaptation of what gay relationships should be like. You see the tall, physically fit guy who gets the almost flawed but still perfect guy, who happens to also be physically fit. And it creates this notion that the only way to get a successful relationship is to be physically fit.

But what our community fails to understand is that true love knows no boundaries, no judgments, and no conditions. Too long have people confused the idea of love with the feeling of lust. Lust is, at the very essence, conditional. Lust has its infatuation period that all too quickly ends and when it does, we act like love has eluded us yet again. But we can't expect to be ready for love when we can't even distinguish the difference between the two.

Someone asked me what my blog was about and who it is directed toward. Well, I speak for the guys who are subjected to rejection because they don't have a six pack. I speak for the guys who are ridiculed for being feminine and shunned by our own community for it. I speak for the men who struggle every day with being a single gay parent. I speak for the people who are subjected to condemnation because of religious beliefs and forced to live a lie because of it. I speak for the people who are genuinely looking for love but can't seem to find it because the media says they are not white enough, or black enough, or Asian enough or muscular enough or fit enough or rich enough or American enough. I speak for men who are thrown away because they are HIV positive. I speak for you.

People need to wake up to the new light of day and realize that you will continue to be single, bitter and lonely if you don't stop the self hating, racist and judgmental words you put out in the world. What attracts you is one thing, but putting someone down or closing them out is another. We all have a list of what we want our perfect guy or girl to look like but if you haven't lived long enough you won't know that there isn't a thing that is perfect. Use this list as a guideline, not as a contract. Open yourself up to people who are ‘outside of the box’. Then and only then will you find true love. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d's will.

Gay 2k

The year 2000 was a year that started a slew of changes: heighten airport security, furious weather conditions, global terrorist attacks, and a decline in the love department in the  Chadash dor: new generation of gays. These new young group of homosexuals who were born in the 90s and are entering college in this millennium are being raised on Adam4Adam, BGC, Man Hunt and the numerous club and ball room scene. All of these venues encourage relations more than they do relationships. And that is a problem in many ways.

When I read status messages on Facebook and Twitter saying 'I am looking for my next ex' or 'There is no need for love' or even 'Sex is all I care about.' I just sigh. As disheartening as this is, I propose the question; "What do we expect these kids (literally) to feel when all they see is sex and failed relationships all around them?" The role model's these kids have are their gay mama or daddy who aren't but 3 or 4 years older than them and are single as well. They dream to be the next Shorty J or the next Diesel Washington. The main sources of income they know are part time fast food joints and vogueing at the next ball. The majority of their 24 hour day is spent on Facebook and Twitter for 22 hours talking about what they did moment to moment.

It is sad to watch our next generation getting into relationships and 3 weeks later becoming single. Its hurtful to ask these kids what they aim for in a relationship and they can't come up with an answer. These beautiful kids need our help and our guidance. They need to know that LTR's (long term relationships) do work and they are out there. They need to know that life isn't all about sex, drugs and the internet. They need to know there is more to life than traveling to the nearest Black Gay Pride, just to be sexy and have sex. They need to be educated on the real meaning of Pride. They need to learn about Stonewall, Prop 8, and Harvey Milke Day, among other important gay history.

But they cannot do it alone. We have to help them. We have to teach them and be there for them. I pray that our next generation opens their eyes and minds and holds their self esteem higher than any wayward dick or ass. Love is out there and it will come to you when you mature and are ready to receive it. Whatever your mind can conceive, it will achieve. Ken Yehi Ratzon: May it be G-d's will.