No More Wandering For This Jew

Passover is a time where every Jew reflects on the Exodus from Egypt. From the time of slavery to the ten plagues to the splitting of the red seas. Its a holiday where we remember wandering in the desert in hope of the Promised Land. We refrain from eating bread type foods and replace it with a flat lifeless piece of cracker. And every Passover, every Rabbi talks about reflection and overcoming modern day slavery. The slavery of ones self. The bondage that we put on ourselves.

I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. I'm too dark. I'm not dark enough. Am I too gay? I'm ugly. No one likes me. No one cares. If he loves me, why does he treat me like this?

These are the negativities we face in world, plus more. And two years ago, when I moved from Oakland to Sacramento, this was the slavery for me. I found myself in an abusive relationship that started out verbal but ended in physical. There were few good times but they were few and far between. He hated his life, his job, his car and always wondered why bad things happened. I was tricked into doing things I didn't want to do. I found myself wondering why I was being treated the way I was. 'Did I deserve to be called an idiot?' 'Did I deserve to be talked to like I'm five?' 'Was it my fault that he hit me?' 'Why do I let it?' 'Why can't I leave?'

It was one hell of an Egypt for me. I would wake up hating life, hating myself and hating everything. Just like he did. I felt I could do no better. Like this was as good as it would get.

Then Moses came. But I called him- college.

It was as if The Holy One, baruch sh'mo, opened the Red Seas and said, "Cross!" I was accepted into college in Long Beach and next thing I knew it; I flew down to visit on Monday, found a place Tuesday, flew back to Sacramento and started packing on Wednesday. My best friend, Ivan, didn't hesitate to saddle up the pickup, drive from Oakland and move me, my cat and all my stuff to Southern California. No real goodbyes. Only empty promises that I would keep in touch with him. And then, there was the desert.

The two relationships, and I use the term very loosely, I had after my Egypt were very short lived. It was time to start healing, and acting out was the only way I knew to show it. I found professional help and new friends to help me overcome. Even though I never lost contact with old friends, it hurt that I was so far away. School came and went. I could not find work, but had Unemployment to keep me afloat. But that had an expiration date. And it was getting very close to that date.

Just like my ancestors in the wilderness, there was manna from above that fell every so often. And as quickly as the journey began, it ended. And then I found myself in the happiest state that I was in before Sacramento. I found myself in love again and he was in love with me. He cares for my thoughts and my opinions. He makes me laugh, a lot. He isn't afraid to be patient when I am being impatient. We create balance and not chaos. We make love and eradicate hate. We aren't afraid to argue because no one is put down.

Then, I was forced back to Oakland, found work and he came along for the ride. Now, there is no more wandering for this Jew. This is my Promised Land.

May yours be closer than you can see. Ken Yehi Ratzon.

Being Gay in a Religious World

For some of us, these two worlds should never collide but others of us think that the two should. For being gay to almost 99% of the gay and bisexual community is something that is formed at birth but because of the religious world we live in, that numbers dwindles because of the thought that it can be fixed. This is the first error that has caused many believers who are gay to abandon their faith. For how can G-d love one part of you but condemn the rest? It seems almost like a contradiction, but to the religious, the almighty can not contradict itself.  So for that, we must look at the bigger picture: are these people mixing in their disapproval into their faith? As an outsider, I say yes. Because many of these people have either; never met a gay man or lesbian woman, had a conversation with them and/or put aside their anger long enough to reach out.

Every year for Pride I see the same religious people boycotting and picketing the parade. I encounter the same closed minded people who think that being gay is a disease that they don’t want to catch. And every year, instead of being upset and yelling back at these people, I reevaluate myself and my faith. I ask myself, ‘How can I better my people so these types of things don’t happen?’  and ‘Where can I start changing the public’s negative image of homosexuality?’ Each answer I come up with is, my Beit K'nesset which means "place of assembly".  If we are to change the world, we first must change ourselves. We need to show our own brothers and sisters that there is love to be found if you only just look with positive eyes. We need to get rid of negative connotations towards other gay men and women. We as a people have to start teaching tolerance to our kids, because that’s who holds tomorrow’s world. We can’t just tell them to love other people and then turn around and tell our friends how much you dislike drag queens, or that gay people shouldn’t adopt children. With this kind of attitude, nothing will ever change for any of us; Gay or straight, religious or atheist.

So with this coming Rosh Hashanah, I challenge all of you to make amends and change your ways and thoughts of negativity. Help others by first helping yourself and those closest to you. Be the light of hope that your community needs and don’t wait for someone else to do it because it may never get done. Gay men and women, transgender men and women, bisexual men and women, straight men and women, it doesn’t matter what you identify with, we are all the same inside. We are all emotional, breathing and talented human beings. Now let’s treat each other as such. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d’s will.

The Concept of G-d; Man’s Creation

In a world filled with violence and pain, sorrow and despair, we as humans find a way to fill the void of tragedy anyway we can. Most of us run to religion because we want some sort of hope in the face of chaos. Some of us turn to science because we want to make rationalizations about the events happening in our lives. And select few of us turn to death and plead with him to remove us from the battlefield. But whichever choice you pick, the one choice that seems to be picked by many people is the concept that G-d is the reason behind it. G-d is either unpleased with a group so G-d sends a hurricane. Or G-d is disgusted with a sect and so G-d sends terrorists. Or an earthquake, or tsunami or a famine or the cliché; a flood. However you want to word it is fine but you must realize that everything said is only man’s concept of G-d.

No one has spoken to G-d directly and no one has seen G-d at all and anyone telling you they have is not telling the full truth. The Bible, which my Christian counterparts will so lovely point out, is the only truth there is. But I most protest; the bible is only collections of stories written by humans and translated by humans (bigot, racist, ignorant and homophobic humans). And yet we are required to believe what they say because they had a direct line to the Divine? Ridiculous. The only thing Jews follow from the bible, or Tanach (which is a compilation of what Christians titled the Old Testament), are the laws of Moses and even those have evolved and been rewritten, some done away with. The other stories, before and after, are just that; good reads and great inspiration for occasions, like Passover or Shavuot.  But where does G-d come in at? G-d is shown speaking to people, most of the time in warning of destruction. G-d is also seen as being on fire or moving like a cloud. All these accounts are just a wonderful painting to what people think of G-d. But no one knows who G-d is exactly so they make up ideas about G-d and tell people they have heard from G-d.

One thing I know about any deity created from the thought of man is that the idea is only functional to the person who believes. And for that, my G-d is not vengeful so G-d will not send natural occurrences to punish any person. My G-d is all inclusive because if in fact we are all created by Divine image (both godlike and angelic) then all people, regardless of race, sexual orientation, creed, disability, ethnicity are all loved and are without flaw and blemish in the eyes of G-d.  The concept of sin is different in every religion so too is sin a man made imposition. G-d is both perfect and imperfect because I am both. G-d is emotional because I am emotional. G-d is one because I am one. G-d’s will is my will because my will is G-d’s will. All of these concepts make G-d real for me, but I will not burden someone who believes Bacchus, or someone who believes the Earth is their G-d.

So all these prayers given up to ones divine deity about peace will never come to pass until these same people accept and understand that G-d is different for everyone. G-d doesn’t just work for one group of persons and not another. And the many names that people may call their G-d are all welcome: Zeus, Jupiter, Buddha, Jesus, Gaia, Chronos, Adonai, Goddess, Li Grand Zombi, among many others. This type of tolerance will bring the love that the Divine has destined to be in our lives. This type of acceptance will bring the peace in which was founded on our slowly dying planet. But until that happens, nothing will change if people don’t change closed minded thoughts. The concept of G-d will forever be man’s creation and it will soon lead to much heartache and pain if it isn’t rethought and revamped. Hine mah tov uMah Nayim shevet achim gam yachad. That is my prayer and my wish for all humans to live together in unity. Ken yehi ratzon.