No More Wandering For This Jew

Passover is a time where every Jew reflects on the Exodus from Egypt. From the time of slavery to the ten plagues to the splitting of the red seas. Its a holiday where we remember wandering in the desert in hope of the Promised Land. We refrain from eating bread type foods and replace it with a flat lifeless piece of cracker. And every Passover, every Rabbi talks about reflection and overcoming modern day slavery. The slavery of ones self. The bondage that we put on ourselves.

I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. I'm too dark. I'm not dark enough. Am I too gay? I'm ugly. No one likes me. No one cares. If he loves me, why does he treat me like this?

These are the negativities we face in world, plus more. And two years ago, when I moved from Oakland to Sacramento, this was the slavery for me. I found myself in an abusive relationship that started out verbal but ended in physical. There were few good times but they were few and far between. He hated his life, his job, his car and always wondered why bad things happened. I was tricked into doing things I didn't want to do. I found myself wondering why I was being treated the way I was. 'Did I deserve to be called an idiot?' 'Did I deserve to be talked to like I'm five?' 'Was it my fault that he hit me?' 'Why do I let it?' 'Why can't I leave?'

It was one hell of an Egypt for me. I would wake up hating life, hating myself and hating everything. Just like he did. I felt I could do no better. Like this was as good as it would get.

Then Moses came. But I called him- college.

It was as if The Holy One, baruch sh'mo, opened the Red Seas and said, "Cross!" I was accepted into college in Long Beach and next thing I knew it; I flew down to visit on Monday, found a place Tuesday, flew back to Sacramento and started packing on Wednesday. My best friend, Ivan, didn't hesitate to saddle up the pickup, drive from Oakland and move me, my cat and all my stuff to Southern California. No real goodbyes. Only empty promises that I would keep in touch with him. And then, there was the desert.

The two relationships, and I use the term very loosely, I had after my Egypt were very short lived. It was time to start healing, and acting out was the only way I knew to show it. I found professional help and new friends to help me overcome. Even though I never lost contact with old friends, it hurt that I was so far away. School came and went. I could not find work, but had Unemployment to keep me afloat. But that had an expiration date. And it was getting very close to that date.

Just like my ancestors in the wilderness, there was manna from above that fell every so often. And as quickly as the journey began, it ended. And then I found myself in the happiest state that I was in before Sacramento. I found myself in love again and he was in love with me. He cares for my thoughts and my opinions. He makes me laugh, a lot. He isn't afraid to be patient when I am being impatient. We create balance and not chaos. We make love and eradicate hate. We aren't afraid to argue because no one is put down.

Then, I was forced back to Oakland, found work and he came along for the ride. Now, there is no more wandering for this Jew. This is my Promised Land.

May yours be closer than you can see. Ken Yehi Ratzon.

Being Gay in a Religious World

For some of us, these two worlds should never collide but others of us think that the two should. For being gay to almost 99% of the gay and bisexual community is something that is formed at birth but because of the religious world we live in, that numbers dwindles because of the thought that it can be fixed. This is the first error that has caused many believers who are gay to abandon their faith. For how can G-d love one part of you but condemn the rest? It seems almost like a contradiction, but to the religious, the almighty can not contradict itself.  So for that, we must look at the bigger picture: are these people mixing in their disapproval into their faith? As an outsider, I say yes. Because many of these people have either; never met a gay man or lesbian woman, had a conversation with them and/or put aside their anger long enough to reach out.

Every year for Pride I see the same religious people boycotting and picketing the parade. I encounter the same closed minded people who think that being gay is a disease that they don’t want to catch. And every year, instead of being upset and yelling back at these people, I reevaluate myself and my faith. I ask myself, ‘How can I better my people so these types of things don’t happen?’  and ‘Where can I start changing the public’s negative image of homosexuality?’ Each answer I come up with is, my Beit K'nesset which means "place of assembly".  If we are to change the world, we first must change ourselves. We need to show our own brothers and sisters that there is love to be found if you only just look with positive eyes. We need to get rid of negative connotations towards other gay men and women. We as a people have to start teaching tolerance to our kids, because that’s who holds tomorrow’s world. We can’t just tell them to love other people and then turn around and tell our friends how much you dislike drag queens, or that gay people shouldn’t adopt children. With this kind of attitude, nothing will ever change for any of us; Gay or straight, religious or atheist.

So with this coming Rosh Hashanah, I challenge all of you to make amends and change your ways and thoughts of negativity. Help others by first helping yourself and those closest to you. Be the light of hope that your community needs and don’t wait for someone else to do it because it may never get done. Gay men and women, transgender men and women, bisexual men and women, straight men and women, it doesn’t matter what you identify with, we are all the same inside. We are all emotional, breathing and talented human beings. Now let’s treat each other as such. Ken yehi ratzon: May it be G-d’s will.