Horizontal or Vertical

"Girl, what?"

"Are you horizontal or vertical?"

"Don't you mean top or bottom?"

"Girl, that's so last season. We are talking bout positions, not these fake pitchers and catchers and they really are all ground balls."

This is a conversation me and my good friend Keith talked bout at the R Club tonight (minus the 'girl'...we only talk like that when we are drunk.). It has come to our attention that there are really no real 'tops' out there. Everyone is either a bottom or "versatile". That's just like saying someone is "bisexual" or "straight"...they just don't exist anymore. So instead of lying to ourselves by labeling being high or low, we decided to define our activities by positions.

Sue us for being genius and smart. So the question for the year is, "Do you prefer it horizontal or vertical?"

Or diagonal?

Time & Love

Two words that are at the top of the chain of oxymoron's. It is a shame that majority of the people in the world have slanted views on when you should love someone and when you should stop loving someone. Also, when its time to get over them and a time limit on being with them before certain things happen, and blah blah blah. I am done listening to people's opinion that don't matter. I appreciate the acts of kindness because either you can sympathize or empathize with what I am going through or because you just know a lot. Don't get me wrong, your words mean something to me, but the only people's opinion that really matters are my brother, my best friend and Keith. Reason for that is because they have been there in person to experience what I go through and deal with on a daily basis. They have been there since the beginning and have seen the bond that I developed.

See, it's like the presidential election. You have the nominee up for president, their campaign followers, and the voters. Their campaign followers guide them on what they should say or do, but its the voters who have the final word. In a way I am saying that you have me, my friends (either online, acquaintances, confidants, buddies) and then you have the three I listed earlier (whom I dubbed the Sex and the City friends). My friends can tell me to leave him, get over him and fuck him, seeing how they have never met him and are basing what happened to what they've been told in the past. And I'll consider that. But if my Sex and the City friends tell me that I need to fight for him and take as much time as I need, uh, hello, I'm gonna go with that first.

WHY?

Because they know from a first hand basis what the relationship was about and who this guy, that I have known for a short period of time, was. What he meant to me, and how close we became so quickly. They have interacted with us and have seen the love we shared for each other. So they know better than anybody. I love all my friends and thank them for their support, but my voters make the final call. Dax (unlike the others) was not a bad man and he was not a fuck up. We cared deeply for each other and nothing will ever change that. Time and love just weren't on each other's side and I will take my time on getting over him.

Guess its the curse for being a Pisces.

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm glad my Memorial weekend did a 360 from boring ass hell to lets have some fun. My friend Keith and I went to San Francisco to meet his lovers brother's family. What an experience that was. Aside from being the only one who didn't speak or understand fluent Spanish, I was also the only one who looked Latino and wasn't. Every time something was said or a remark was made, I had to look to my little interpreter and then laughed 5 minutes after the joke was said. But all in all, it was nice.

Then it was off gallivanting to Sacramento, the capitol of the Golden State. There I met the nicest and most sexiest police officer I have ever seen. And he was who we went to see. His house was huge and wide. I thought I was gonna get lost, but the host was a great help. We got a large pizza, wings and bread sticks and I almost ate all of the pizza and forgot to take my bread sticks with me. Damn, and I'm hungry now.

After a night of laughs and watching Evan Almighty (which was an okay movie,) we journeyed to the Old Sac area and entered the Jazz Festival all by mistake. It in itself was a scene. At first it was nothing but old folks and I felt like such a baby, but as time progressed, it filled with other ages. There was a museum of old schools (or something like that) and I got to write my name on the chalk board from 1950. I felt like I was walking on the moon. We ate at a Mexican restaurant, that apparently to true Mexicans, these restaurants are too Americanized. Riiitteee.

As we headed home, I adored the scenery and the hills that Interstate 80 had to offer. Especially the sign that said, "Nut Tree." Oh, heavens, if my mind didn't go straight to the gutter. The drive allowed my mind to clear itself and I finally did it. For the first time in 3 weeks, I exhaled. LOL. But for real, I enjoyed myself and can't wait for my next weekend. How riveting.

Bad Advice Hotline

Thank You's

*My older brother Marcy...for all the unconditional love and support I have needed to get thru life. Your kind, yet harsh at times, words and many acts of generosity to keep me standing in this world. My thanks jus doesnt seem to be enough.

*My bestest best friend, Tone'e...cause witout you, there would be no Jonathan Denise Lee. You have kept my eyes dry and nose...well, not runny. You have been there to see it ALL. And have stayed thru it ALL. When I was in jail, there u were beside me. LOL...

{{Without you two, I dont know how I would be alive.}}

*Keith...my kefus, for being my "Samantha" in our S & C click.

*Bobby Jones, Jr......for being my TIGGER~and always being there in all ways. To see me thru my many hardships.

*Dax....because I am thankful for you for reasons beknownst only to you.

*Mike...for keepin me by your heart and never letting me go. You have done more than you can imagine to help me thru this. Thank you forever.

*Steven and Juda...for at least saving me in my despair.

*My Father & lil sisters...the reason Im still sane.

*Ck...to know that there is someone who is worried when I dont keep in touch, all the more reason to live.

*P. James Chase....for keepin my mind stayed on the project at hand, my soon to be happiness and nothing else.

*Devin...for caring and loving me truly.

*Franky...being my knight in shining armour.

*Tavon Buddy...for the many nights we have shared tears over our obstacles together.

*Majority of my family...to prove to me EXACTLY who NOT to depend on.

*Jane...for letting me know that perfect strangers can become perfect friends.

*Tony, Richard, Anton, Chantez and Jai (my ex's)...because threw it all, you did not kill me [tho some of you tried]. Which only means, that you made me stronger. Also to show me that after a broken heart, life still goes on. So yea, even the most fucked up ppl have helped me some....

Thank you to everyone who has come in and out of my life. Everything happens for a reason and everything and everyone has a purpose. You have helped me in more ways then one, and if you were not officially recognized, charge it to the mind and not the heart.

Gays All Around

Now wouldn't the late Jerry Falwell just turn in his grave if he heard about this? The courts have found that now, discharging a gay from the military is damn near unconstitutional. If any branch of the military discharges you for "being a homosexual or engaging in homosexual activity" then they must prove that you are bad for morale. Which most likely they wont, unless you cursed the country and its flag and just so happened that you are a gay, then they can.

"Gay service members who are discharged can sue in federal court, and if the military doesn't prove it had a good reason for the dismissal, the cases will go forward."

But now its clear, the "Don't ask, Don't tell" stupid policy is numbered in days. We are slowly and surely earning the stance to be considered an equal human beings, just like the heteros. We are slowly but surely getting our marriage rights, Texas struck down its ban on sodomy law, gays in the military, the list goes on. Hopefully, the next president will see that this movement is inevitable and that he (or she) needs to get on the bandwagon, or get left behind.

I suppose I can dig in my closest and underneath all my junk, can start to pull out the old red, white and blue. I won't hang it yet, not till there is truly justice for all.

"Heaven We Need A Hug" (Excerpt)

The thing I hated most about Rolando was not that he was emotionally weak, but that he ran his mouth entirely too much. (I apologize, let me introduce myself. The name’s David Jackson.) I suppose I shouldn’t say hate, so we’ll go with dislike, hella much. To be honest, it was because of Rolando’s mouth why he and Chine’lo never lasted for more than two months. What Chine’lo saw in that boy, I will never know. But he did love him some Rolando. Ha, the stories I could tell from what he told me. The boy was wild in bed I hear. But, of course, you didn’t get that from me. But I guess men did it for my old buddy, Chine’lo, because two weeks into their relationship, it was over between him and his ex girlfriend, Shanda.

Oh god, Shanda.

I never liked that bitch, I apologize again, girl, from start. She was a true ghetto hood rat in ALL of the stereotypical sense. If there was a negative myth about black people that you ever heard, she was proof that it wasn’t a myth. She was hella black, hella skinny, fat ass (but of course that’s not what I mean.) She always wore the shortest shorts that the thrift store could make and the different color bandannas as a shirt. She was always loud all of the time and could never figure out when to just shut the hell up. But, that was MY concept of her. Something about big mouths obviously does it for Chine’lo. Wow, that came out so wrong. Nevertheless, Shanda also had a big issue with being TOO over protective of her man, from me. Now, THAT’S funny. She always thought I wanted her man all of the time. How ironic is that?

It was one afternoon, I was with Chine’lo and his friends, watching them play basketball in the stuffy eighty degree weather that Richmond, Virginia had to offer. Chine’lo’s "friends" consist of his best friend, Chantez, their best friend, Mitch and the groups body guard, Jai. With it being the middle of June, you can forget about either one of these muscle bound gods wearing a shirt. One god I was especially fond of was Chine’lo. But my friendship overpowered my sexual attraction to him at the time.

I was in the midst of a fabulous day dream about being fed grapes like Cleopatra by all of the men on the court, when Miss ‘Come Ruin the Moment’ appeared. Amidst my perspiration, I grunted.

“Hi, Shanda.”

She cut a look and huffed.

“I’m sure you’re happy.”

“What does that mean?” My face was heating with frustration. I saw her roll her eyes.

“I’m sure you’re happy. Like I said.”

“Pre tell, Shanda, why would I be happy? And why are you so sure?” I snidely asked, rubbing the top of my hands to keep from slapping the shit out of her. She smacked her lips, and then pointed to the court with her half did nails.

“Cuz, my man is almost naked. I know how you must fantasize bout him doing you. But, boo-boo, he’s all man. And all mine.”

I busted out laughing right in her face.

“Sweetheart, you sound so stupid.” At this point, I had positioned myself directly in front of her, “Chine’lo is my good friend and it’s because of that why I tolerate your dumb, bitch ass. But hears a secret for you to tell, I was here before you and I will be here after you.”

My voice was at a yell now that would make my mother jump.

“Now run tell that, bitch.”

That’s when she pushed me.

“Not if I have anything to do wit’ it, faggot.” She replied, pulling off her clip on earrings.

“What did you just call me?”

“What’s the issue?” Chine’lo popped in, stepping between us. His arms were around that hussy.

“Get your girl, Lo-Lo.” I answered, stepping away from them.

“No, no, you don’t call him that-“ Shanda began yelling.

“I will call him whatever the hell I feel like.” I jumped back toward her. At this time, Chantez stood behind me, gently grabbing my arm. The other guys apparently watched from the court.

“Just leave it alone, buddy.” I heard Chantez whispered. I rolled my eyes and eased my way toward him.

“I tried.”

“Tell him baby,” Shanda went on, caressing Chine’lo’s face, “Faggot’s can’t call you what I call you.”

“Hold on, baby girl,” Chine’lo began calmly, “That’s my good ass partna you disrespectin’. So watch what you say.”

She yanked back with disgust.

“You stickin up for that?”

I clenched my fist, prayed I wouldn’t lose it on her and took a step toward her. Luckily, Chantez slid in front of me to stop me.

“Shanda, you got one more time!” I boomed. Chine’lo shook his head and looked back at me.

“Play boy, I got this.” He turned back to his girl, “His name is David. He is and always will be my friend. You only got one option and that is to accept it. But baby, this is the last time that I will hold him back if you ever disrespect him again.”

Oh, if I could’ve just picked up her face off the ground and glued all six hundred pieces of it back on. All she did was step back and start crying. I found the dramatics funny, so I laughed. Of course, Chantez had to tell me to hush.

“What about my pet name for you, Lo-Lo?” She wined. Chine’lo sighed.

“He’s been calling me that since the third grade. It’s just a name.” he wrapped her up in his arms, “But it means more to me coming from you.”

Her eyes lit up like a fat kid saw a wedding cake.

“Really?”

God, spare me. I threw my hands up and walked away. This was a main reason why I never did involve myself with females.

Casey Novak: Farewell to You

Diane Neal has retired from one of my favorite show (along with millions of other viewers in the world) as the Manhattan SVU's Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak. She played the fuck out of that character and it was phenomenal. Even though my original favorite lawyer was locked away in witness protection and briefly seen for a moment before they locked her away again, THIS is about Casey. Or rather, Diane. No, Casey. Tomato, tomatoe. But even though Casey had to grow on me since I was bitter that Alexandra Cabot was gone, she still made one hell of a lawyer (and she was from VA). Even after trying Ludacris twice and almost losing her job, blowing up on Stabler umpteen times and being emotional with Olivia, I loved her.

Her last episode, "Cold", showed just how attached she was to the case and even went to lengths of hiding test results to catch a bad guy. I had to clutch my pearls when I found out SHE lied to the courts and was getting suspended for it. Not Casey. Then I had to think, this is Law and Order. Its damn near a hop, skip and jump away from reality. Look at what happened to my boys on The Wire. True shame.

I will look back on this and remember the good times Casey and I had (I sound str8, ewww). She will be missed and never forgotten. Unless they bring Alex back, then that would be HEAVEN!

"What should I do?"

"Something else." -Line from "Cold" between Casey and Donnelly.

For Grown Folks

Time to make things better. Each day I work towards being a stronger person physically, mentally, sexually and spiritually. I have vanquished the negativity from my life that I had in VA and the people who were positive are still here...including some ex's. Even though I feel we did each other wrong, the bigger picture takes affect. But that's another story. Nevertheless, I am fucking happy being single. I can't believe those words have came out my mouth...or typed. Even though I see ppl around me with happy relationships, I promised I wouldn't envy nor be jealous. It would only cause me to stress and I left the stress in VA.

My heart needs to mend and I need to let strings and ties go. Even with the cutting off of some quote unquote friends and the gaining of potential friends, Alone time is what will heal me. I come first. I rule my life. I am beautiful. I am love. I am honor. I am the holy spirit reincarnated. I am me. NOT any man before or after. NOT dicks who want the hole. NOT you or you or you. My health and strength is what I hold dear. To finally reach this stage in my life I feel accomplished. I feel grown. I feel like I have passed another level in this game. Again to prove to some and show to others, I am a whirl-wind of dedication and a testimony of surviving. Please trust and believe on that.

"Success is when you get what you want, but happiness is when u like what u get. "

9th and Oak

What happens when your mind wonders to the first time you met? To the first place your eyes locked? To the first touch your hands had? To the first kiss you shared? Do you lock those memories away to hold onto? Or do you let go and forget they ever happened?

Where do you go when you heart is been broken and no doctor can fix? Where do you run when there are reminders of him all around you? Where do you hide when the pain of seeing his face is in your dreams? Do you lock those feelings away to hold onto? Or do you let go and forget they ever happened?

9th and Oak, Powell Street Denny's, Ocean Beach, Golden Gate park, Baghdad's Cafe, Orange lillies, 9AX Muni, 16th Street BART, Battery and Union, IKEA, Day in Vallejo, your touch, your kiss, your smile, your green eyes, your hug, your laugh, your octave change...

Do I lock these memories away to hold onto? Or do I let go and forget they ever happened?

Adieu 2 U

To Jermaine:

May the love you had for me neva be ill
May the smile you shown neva be lost.
Let the sins of our past be locked and sealed.
For the love of the time was at a high cost.

Adieu to u and ur lil ones
for you said that our time is now done.
Keep the friendships u plan to hold
and neva again break the mold.

Im sorry it must end like this
and neva again will i be in the midst
For life wit us was joyous and fun
Adieu to u and ur lil ones.

The Power of Love

This scene in Charmed was one of the reasons why I will never give up on love or the faith that there is someone for me. I love....LOVE.

Gas Prices for the Holidays

Memorial Day weekend is fast approaching, you'd think this would be the time for families to go away, but that's not the case this year. Why? Because of gasoline prices. With gas prices at $3.79 a gallon at most gas stations, it's making it hard for anyone to hit the roads. Here is a price list of the current average gas price list in major cities around the country:

Oakland, CA- $4.09
San Francisco, CA- $4.11
Phoenix, AR- $3.72
Memphis, TN- $3.79
Houston, TX- $3.80
Virginia Beach, VA- $3.80
Las Vegas, NV- $3.80
Little Rock, AR- $3.83
Dallas-Fort Worth, TX- $3.83
Corpus Christi, TX- $3.84
Tampa, FL- $3.88
Richmond, VA- $3.89
Baltimore, MD- $3.90
Greensboro, NC- $3.81
Atlanta, GA- $3.93
Philadelphia, PA- $3.96
Honolulu, HI- $3.98
Miami, FL- $4.00
Indianapolis, IN- $4.00
Seattle, WA- $4.04
Los Angeles, CA- $4.05
San Diego, CA- $4.07
Detroit, MI- $4.07
New York City, NY- $4.13
Chicago, IL- $4.35

So your best bet this weekend if you are traveling is to either 1) get a rental that covers free gas mileage, or 2) take the Mass transit in the area or 3) shut the hell up and fill up. The saddest strike of luck is if there isn't a mass transit that runs through town. Sad and shameful.

He

He is the one who holds my heart.
He is the most incredible man in the world.
He is the epitome of coolness.
He puts a smile on my face just at the thought of him.
His touch is like no other.
His spirit is so beautiful.
His love is infinite.
He is to be cherished forever.
I love him.
He loves me.
He keeps me sane.
He keeps the fire burning.
He is the truth of my every existence.
My heart skips two beats when I see him.
He is sexy.
He is love.
He is....
He is me.

Men On Television

"Tell a friend, chile."

Fear

Whether you are homosexual or not, You should know that love is not defined by color, creed, or gender:

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the girl scared to tell my friends I’m a lesbian because they think i will hit on them.

I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am that son, that was disowned by my mother and father, because I was. But loved by other member's in my family.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson."--

The L Word

I love you.
I stand thinking of how many times can I just be in the dark.
Your smile keeps me warm, and your touch keeps me safe.
My thoughts wrap around your beautiful distress of mathematics
Equations and theorems God used to form the answer to my emptiness.
How can I make words of why my love extends past the stars?
How can I form the sentences to which you demand the story?
It just happened, the moment of time I laid eyes on you.

Love, I you.
But I stand asking where now? What now? How now?
Its morning and my tear stained cheeks have no feeling.
The dark seems to be lingering around.
Tell me, do you want me to keep praying for something?
Shall my faith keep my joy on what may the future bring,
Or what the future may bring?
My words forget formation and my periods disappear

You, I love.
The seconds, the minutes, the hours my heart beats
The days, the weeks, the months my heart cries
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings that I can not hide
Your free to leave me, but just don't deceive me.
If you wont leave me, then don't tease me.
Your the one I choose. Above all else.

Please believe me when I say,
I love you.

Memories

The Epitome of Beauty

I have been contemplating a lot these past few months about what my life is about. Who lives this life of mine and how the hell am I suppose to go about making sense of it? One things for certain, everything happens for a reason and everyone comes (and sometimes go) for a reason। Most failed relationships are oft times disregarded as horrible experiences, not because of the person, but because of the way it ended.

"That bastard cheated on me!"

"She lied about her HIV status!"

Most people look at the 'how' and the 'why' but forget about the 'when'. To put it into lam ens terms for you...

My ex, Richard, cheated on me four times in the course of our relationship. When we broke up, I grew bitter because all I extracted from the relationship was how he lied to me and why he left me. The ex after him, Tony, left me for someone else. All I could extract was why wasn't I good enough and how could he just up and leave. These are, my dears, just for examples. That is the nature of (mainly) emotional people, to try to understand why WE weren't good enough but someone else was. In order to grow and get past it, one must extract the GOOD and the lesson in which we were suppose to learn. For my next examples, I will use my friends Jay and Dion.

Jay was someone I met at a cafe in the midst of a date that stood me up. He was everything I could have imagined in a guy. The body, the persona, the aura, the smile, the touch, et cetera, et cetera. I felt warm and fuzzy, like I was back in high school again. And as quickly as he came, he left my life. I couldn't understand why or how, so I just stopped caring. Dion was almost exactly like Jay but we took it a step further. We actually became lovers. It was bliss. I felt dizzy and heaven, hot and spicy, he had me tongue tied. Oh, the incredible feeling of falling in love and being on cloud nine. And just like Jay, as soon as it started, it ended.

But then I realized it wasn't about not being a good boyfriend or questioning why we didn't work. It was about why they came into my life and what the lesson was. I began to look back over the past relationships I have had and began to extract the good times and the smiles I had. Throw away all the negative energy and transfer that into positive. Richard taught me how to survive on my own and do things for myself. Tony taught me to love myself before I can let anyone else love me. Jay taught me to never let a man treat me less than what I am worth. And Dion, he taught me never to stop smiling and never to give up on life, what I want, and most of all, on love.

These lessons, these memories that I will take with me are the epitome of my beauty. They are my inspirations to make it through the rough times and never regret my acts of good. I love them all for that and I will continue to grow in grace and beauty. Never giving up and never selling out.

I'm worth more.