July was a good month economically for me but was a tough one emotionally. I had met a few guys but weren't really compatible with them. The main focus that I had tried to avoid was Ivan for so many reasons. One, I wanted to remain single, two, he didn't no what gender he wanted and three, it was too soon after Dax anyways. But somehow or another, I spun the web again. We spent the 4th together even tho it was too foggy to see any fireworks, we only just sat and listened to them. I met his grandfather by accident that night and throughout the month, spent my time and energy on him. He told me toward the end of the month that he was talking to this girl, but wouldn't make a solid decision between me or her until he came back from his trip to ATL next month. So I buckled down and did what any emotionally driven gay man would do, tried to prove my worth was better than....hers. The very last weekend, I went camping in Bodega Bay with my good friends and got a spiritual uplift that I needed for so long. Right then I made the decision to take Ivan camping. When I pitched the idea, he was game.
So in August, I made the plans to go with Ivan to Lake Tahoe for a weekend of camping at the end of the month after he returned from ATL. I had this feeling that I was going to lose this subconscious battle but at this point I just didn't care anymore. I had started my YouTube show this month and my blog site was doing well. This month was also the month of the Black Gay Film festival and where I met my good friends, Maurice Jamal and Kenny G. It was this weekend, and incidentally at the dinner we all attended, that I got the epiphany that whatever happens between me and Ivan was meant to be and that I was not to get upset about it. As soon as I realized that, I knew he was going to pick...her. Sure'nuf, Monday rolled around and he came back from his ATL trip scared to talk to me. Once I got him to break the ice, he confessed that he wanted a 'family' and that he couldn't get that from me (I sent this email to Kenny and Keith cuz I needed help, badly). I smiled and said I understood, even though my insides were raging and wanting to whoop some ass. He asked were we still going camping and I said yes. Camping was a fuck fest in itself and I thought, yes sure you want her but you here with me. And it was THAT mindset I got stuck in for the next few months and would ultimately be the demise of our friendship.
September....
31 December 2008
30 December 2008
B-TV #2
Journey through the holiday week with D. Mos Fabolous One starting with Christmas Brunch and ending with a Kwanzaa Celebration.
Memories of 2008 (3)
April showers are supposed to bring May flowers, however in California, it doesn't rain in April so don't expect no flowers in May. The fifth month in the year was just the beginning of the hike, and it was a steep hike to do. I was kicked out of my former place but two days before my final day, I found a place in Emerville with a Jamaican guy, Eric, who needed a roommate fast. My relationship was rocky, since Dax was OCD and I was a Pisces. But as Dax helped me moved across town, we made plans to take a weekend at the end of the month to San Jose and go to Great America. This above anything else, excited me. I really had someone who did for me as I did for him. Going into 3 weeks of our relationship, we still haven't had sex and according to him that was cool. A week after I moved in, I went to Dax's house and we celebrated my new move with, yes you guesses it, sex. A few days later, an overwhelming ominous feeling of pain shot through my spirit. I immediately called Dax and got no answer. When I finally reached him, I asked him what was wrong. After a pause, he stated he'd rather tell me face to face. I declined to wait that long and told him to tell me now. He obliged but said he'd tell me online. After I waited for him to sign on, he told me that he loved me but that this relationship wasn't going to work since he was ten years older than me. That was his reasoning. He was older and independent and he wanted someone who was independent as well. I sat there motionless and confused. So needless to say, my trip to Great America never came.
Memorial Day weekend had approached and I was still a bit sad over this silly month and five day relationship, which I no longer consider a relationship, and I was just finishing up some work for my job when I get a message online saying 'Do it again.' I'm sitting there like, its done correctly, why? So after about 4 hours of doing and redoing, I get the pink slip of death. Ur fired. I didn't know what to say but the last line from Casey Novak in Law and Order SVU, "What do I do now?" and of course my boss said the supporting line, "Something else." I didn't know what to do but cry. This month was not how I expected it to go.
June rolled in like the fog in San Francisco and I was out looking for a job adamantly. I told my friends that I am only down for a week at the most and I always find another job. Sho'nuf, I landed a job in San Francisco not but a week after I got fired. This was the month that I met two of my good friends, Ivan and Marvin. I was cleaning up one day, the rare days I do clean up, and saw I missed a call from Dax. When I called him back, he said he wanted to meet to return the rest of my stuff. I wanted to decline but this was my stuff he had. When I saw him that night, he was in tears. This was soooo new to me. He was crying that I couldn't even cry. This was supposed to be my moment, damn you. After he left, it was three days before I went through the bag and I saw he returned the bear I gave him. So, I woke up the next day, wrote him a 'I understand why you did it' letter, sealed it in a Manila envelop, tied the bear to the envelop, rode the BART 30 mins to Balboa Park, took the 9X 30 mins to his house and slipped it in the mailbox. This would be the last time I ever let a man have that much power over me.
My first SF Gay Pride was this month and my first AIDS WALK was the week before. Both were awesome in itself, except the walk was a 6 mile walk and I was alone cuz my MP3 player died like the cheap son of a bitch it is. Ivan had taken me to Berkeley hills for the first time since I lived in the Bay and we talked for over five hours before we realized it was getting dark. I figured in my mind that we would only be friends since he didn't know if he was gay or straight, and you know how that confusion urks me, but July would reveal something different and I would eat my words of Dax being the last man to have power.
Damn it.....
Memorial Day weekend had approached and I was still a bit sad over this silly month and five day relationship, which I no longer consider a relationship, and I was just finishing up some work for my job when I get a message online saying 'Do it again.' I'm sitting there like, its done correctly, why? So after about 4 hours of doing and redoing, I get the pink slip of death. Ur fired. I didn't know what to say but the last line from Casey Novak in Law and Order SVU, "What do I do now?" and of course my boss said the supporting line, "Something else." I didn't know what to do but cry. This month was not how I expected it to go.
June rolled in like the fog in San Francisco and I was out looking for a job adamantly. I told my friends that I am only down for a week at the most and I always find another job. Sho'nuf, I landed a job in San Francisco not but a week after I got fired. This was the month that I met two of my good friends, Ivan and Marvin. I was cleaning up one day, the rare days I do clean up, and saw I missed a call from Dax. When I called him back, he said he wanted to meet to return the rest of my stuff. I wanted to decline but this was my stuff he had. When I saw him that night, he was in tears. This was soooo new to me. He was crying that I couldn't even cry. This was supposed to be my moment, damn you. After he left, it was three days before I went through the bag and I saw he returned the bear I gave him. So, I woke up the next day, wrote him a 'I understand why you did it' letter, sealed it in a Manila envelop, tied the bear to the envelop, rode the BART 30 mins to Balboa Park, took the 9X 30 mins to his house and slipped it in the mailbox. This would be the last time I ever let a man have that much power over me.
My first SF Gay Pride was this month and my first AIDS WALK was the week before. Both were awesome in itself, except the walk was a 6 mile walk and I was alone cuz my MP3 player died like the cheap son of a bitch it is. Ivan had taken me to Berkeley hills for the first time since I lived in the Bay and we talked for over five hours before we realized it was getting dark. I figured in my mind that we would only be friends since he didn't know if he was gay or straight, and you know how that confusion urks me, but July would reveal something different and I would eat my words of Dax being the last man to have power.
Damn it.....
29 December 2008
Memories of 2008 (2)
March was the first full month of my stay in Cali and so far it was a good one. I was around my friends and taking in the new scenery. I was desperately trying to find out why ppl from outside of Oakland are scared of it. Especially East Oakland. This month I met one of my gentlemen callers for CA and I will never forget meeting this one guy from Sacramento who went to school at Laney College and wanted to see me. So when I met him, I was like lets go to Starbucks. This was the day Starbucks all around the world closed hella early to introduce some new product the next day, so we ended up going to Burger King. While I am eating he tells me the next time he comes, he wants to take me home with him to Sacramento. When he saw the look on my face, he got defensive asking me whats wrong with him. After telling him I am new out here and don't know anyone in Sacramento, I wasn't about to go with him to his house only meeting him once. And so, he left me at Burger King at 10 at night. I had no idea where I was in Oakland and then realized why ppl are afraid of Oakland. Its hella scary at night. I came here for my happiness and wasn't gonna let this incident spoil my attitude.
The next couple of weeks, almost one a day I had a date with a different guy. Almost all of them were rejects, either didn't want to take me out and just wanted sex, or wanted more after they took me out, or after the date just wanted to be friends and I never heard from them again. I was about to learn that no matter how far I run, ppl will always be the same, until I change what I want.
April came in so softly and quietly. I wasn't quit done with the dating scene but I was slowing it down a bit. I had been taken to San Francisco for the first time since I lived here and it was beautiful to drive into. This guy I was with lived on Twin Peaks (the highest elevated point in SF) and "needed to stop home" before we went out. I wasn't born two days ago, but I played along getting my plan together as we drove. When we pulled up to his house, he parked in the garage and asked me to come in and 'view' the house. I asked if he had a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom? When he answered yes confusedly, I replied 'then I know what ur house looks like, I will stay in the car.' After pleading, I told him that he is wasting time sitting here. So as I sat in the car waiting, he came back out again and said it was gonna be longer than he expected and that it would get hot in the garage. I said that's fine, opened the car door and sat right where I was at. Needless to say, I went home right after, but the kicker is he didn't take me back to Oakland. I went to Civic Center Bart.
This was also the month I went to the hospital cause my left ear went deaf and for three weeks I couldn't hear. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, but one day, as Im going into the tunnel to SF....my ear POPS and it hurt like hell. But I can hear now. Toward the middle of the month, I decided my methods at finding a suitable date were slim to none so I did something different. I played 'Myspace Idol', its where I 'browse friends' on Myspace, and get as specific with what Im looking for and when the finals come up, I sent each one a message. It was only three ppl I messaged and only one replied. His name was Dax Johnson. I was about to fall so fast for this man so heavily and he was about to give the feelings back. But what I wouldn't have foreseen coming is his deep seeded issues would cause the demise of our 4.5 week relationship. And now the place I was staying wanted me out by the end of April, and my relationship wanted me out by the beginning of May.
May......wow.
The next couple of weeks, almost one a day I had a date with a different guy. Almost all of them were rejects, either didn't want to take me out and just wanted sex, or wanted more after they took me out, or after the date just wanted to be friends and I never heard from them again. I was about to learn that no matter how far I run, ppl will always be the same, until I change what I want.
April came in so softly and quietly. I wasn't quit done with the dating scene but I was slowing it down a bit. I had been taken to San Francisco for the first time since I lived here and it was beautiful to drive into. This guy I was with lived on Twin Peaks (the highest elevated point in SF) and "needed to stop home" before we went out. I wasn't born two days ago, but I played along getting my plan together as we drove. When we pulled up to his house, he parked in the garage and asked me to come in and 'view' the house. I asked if he had a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom? When he answered yes confusedly, I replied 'then I know what ur house looks like, I will stay in the car.' After pleading, I told him that he is wasting time sitting here. So as I sat in the car waiting, he came back out again and said it was gonna be longer than he expected and that it would get hot in the garage. I said that's fine, opened the car door and sat right where I was at. Needless to say, I went home right after, but the kicker is he didn't take me back to Oakland. I went to Civic Center Bart.
This was also the month I went to the hospital cause my left ear went deaf and for three weeks I couldn't hear. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, but one day, as Im going into the tunnel to SF....my ear POPS and it hurt like hell. But I can hear now. Toward the middle of the month, I decided my methods at finding a suitable date were slim to none so I did something different. I played 'Myspace Idol', its where I 'browse friends' on Myspace, and get as specific with what Im looking for and when the finals come up, I sent each one a message. It was only three ppl I messaged and only one replied. His name was Dax Johnson. I was about to fall so fast for this man so heavily and he was about to give the feelings back. But what I wouldn't have foreseen coming is his deep seeded issues would cause the demise of our 4.5 week relationship. And now the place I was staying wanted me out by the end of April, and my relationship wanted me out by the beginning of May.
May......wow.
24 December 2008
23 December 2008
Memories of 2008 (1)
Two thousand and eight was a year of many discoveries and revelations. During the next few days I will be taking you down a trip on Jonny B Lane. The facts of my life that has been hidden for so long, the joys of happiness, the frustrations of sadness, and the countless lessons I learned. We will start with the first month of the year, January.
January I was still living in Miami, Florida and had just came back from visiting my bffs in California for New Years. I had made up my mind that I was leaving Miami and moving to a place where I had found happiness once in 2004, making it the first move I would have ever done solely on my own. This month I was hospitalized for a tear in the abdominal area that was directly caused by a man I was in love with named John. The sad part about it was that he never came to see me in the hospital and told me he was never coming to see me again. Angered and out of spite, I told him that was fine and finally told him about my decision to move to CA. Unaffected, he congratulated me and hung up. I cried almost every night in January and woke up with a half baked smile every morning. I counted down the days till my move. 24.
In February, I tried to wrap up all my loose ends in South Florida, telling my gentlemen callers that once I leave, they will never hear from me again. I saw everyone that I liked one last time and waited two weeks before someone bought my car for $700. Toward the middle of the month, I finally rode the Tri-Rail for the first time in my entire stay in Miami (it has nothing on the BART). My brother and I went to the Nuggets vs Heat game in celebration for his and my birthday (his the 1st and mine the 22nd). I bought a laptop with the money I got from my car and shipped off the last things of mine to CA. The night of my birthday, I worked and my job threw me a little bday celebration slash moving party. Once I got to Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International, they told me that all of my luggage was over the maximum capacity and that I couldn't board unless I took shit out. Needless to say, I still have alot of clothes still in South Florida to this day. When I got to Oakland, I was angered to find out my luggage was broken and the airline was NOT going to rectify the mishap. So thus began my first lesson to the place that was suppose to bring me happiness, don't get upset when things are broken.
March is when it all began.........
January I was still living in Miami, Florida and had just came back from visiting my bffs in California for New Years. I had made up my mind that I was leaving Miami and moving to a place where I had found happiness once in 2004, making it the first move I would have ever done solely on my own. This month I was hospitalized for a tear in the abdominal area that was directly caused by a man I was in love with named John. The sad part about it was that he never came to see me in the hospital and told me he was never coming to see me again. Angered and out of spite, I told him that was fine and finally told him about my decision to move to CA. Unaffected, he congratulated me and hung up. I cried almost every night in January and woke up with a half baked smile every morning. I counted down the days till my move. 24.
In February, I tried to wrap up all my loose ends in South Florida, telling my gentlemen callers that once I leave, they will never hear from me again. I saw everyone that I liked one last time and waited two weeks before someone bought my car for $700. Toward the middle of the month, I finally rode the Tri-Rail for the first time in my entire stay in Miami (it has nothing on the BART). My brother and I went to the Nuggets vs Heat game in celebration for his and my birthday (his the 1st and mine the 22nd). I bought a laptop with the money I got from my car and shipped off the last things of mine to CA. The night of my birthday, I worked and my job threw me a little bday celebration slash moving party. Once I got to Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International, they told me that all of my luggage was over the maximum capacity and that I couldn't board unless I took shit out. Needless to say, I still have alot of clothes still in South Florida to this day. When I got to Oakland, I was angered to find out my luggage was broken and the airline was NOT going to rectify the mishap. So thus began my first lesson to the place that was suppose to bring me happiness, don't get upset when things are broken.
March is when it all began.........
18 December 2008
B-TV #1- "Becoming A Movement By Yourself"
I had to focus on some key subjects about depression and turning one's negative attitude into a positive one.
Become a movement by yourself and not a one man bandstand.
05 December 2008
Excerpt from 'U, Sex and the Town'
I raced to the mirror and checked to see if my tie was on straight. Damn tie, I can never get it right the first time. Either the knot is too huge, or the fat part of the tie is too short. I just yanked it off and swore to put it on when I was on the BART. As I did my last roundabout of the house to make sure I had everything, I grabbed my keys and walked out the house. As soon as I stepped my first foot out the door, I tripped. Face first on the ground. There nothing to break my fall and nothing on my side that I could have grabbed. I heard my keys hit the wall on the other side of the hall and I felt a presence over me at the same time. Maybe if I just lay here motionless, they will go away.
“I’m okay.” I muffled into the carpeted floor. I heard the keys jingle and my attention shot in that direction. HE was standing over me with his right hand stretched out and my keys in his left. I slowly grabbed his hand and got on my feet.
“That was a nasty fall.” He stated, letting out a small chuckle as he said fall. He had a slight Jamaican accent and when I began to focus more on him, I saw he was something to look at. He was a tad shade darker than me, making him a mocha frappuccino complexion. I saw his hair was black and cut slightly short and he wore these rectangular shaped glasses, which introduced his hazel eyes. His body was perfectly shaped, built chest, v-shaping to his hips. His flannel button up fit perfectly, outlining his upper body and his tan khakis revealed he was wearing briefs. Tommy Hilfiger, at least. Yes, I am that good.
“Yea, didn’t even feel it.” I finally got out, blushing so hard. When he handed me my keys smiling, I turned and locked the door.
“Thanks,” I softly acknowledged.
“Anytime,” he spoke with a sense of seduction, “So how long have you lived here?”
“Over a year,” I turned facing him, feeling my ass getting hot, “I take it you live in the building?”
“Oh, yeah, yeah,” he pointed behind him. This mystery man lived right across the hall from me and I never noticed this Adonis of my building.
“Wow, you just moved in?”He smiled again, revealing his glossy whites. I could have came all over myself. (I think I did a little.)
“No, I have been there for six months.”
Not only has this fine specimen of God’s version of perfection lived in my building, ACROSS the hall from me, but has been there for SIX, one two three four five, SIX months.
“Why have I never seen you?” I asked, half wondering half not caring, ‘cause he is here now.
“Well, I am usually at my wife’s house in-“
Whoa whoa whoa, WIFE?! Great, what a lovely version of PUNK’D God just played on me. First I trip and then this. Thanks.
“Oh, okay,” I cut him off sharply, “I am late for work.” I ended, turned and walked away. Not even giving him a chance to respond.
“I’m okay.” I muffled into the carpeted floor. I heard the keys jingle and my attention shot in that direction. HE was standing over me with his right hand stretched out and my keys in his left. I slowly grabbed his hand and got on my feet.
“That was a nasty fall.” He stated, letting out a small chuckle as he said fall. He had a slight Jamaican accent and when I began to focus more on him, I saw he was something to look at. He was a tad shade darker than me, making him a mocha frappuccino complexion. I saw his hair was black and cut slightly short and he wore these rectangular shaped glasses, which introduced his hazel eyes. His body was perfectly shaped, built chest, v-shaping to his hips. His flannel button up fit perfectly, outlining his upper body and his tan khakis revealed he was wearing briefs. Tommy Hilfiger, at least. Yes, I am that good.
“Yea, didn’t even feel it.” I finally got out, blushing so hard. When he handed me my keys smiling, I turned and locked the door.
“Thanks,” I softly acknowledged.
“Anytime,” he spoke with a sense of seduction, “So how long have you lived here?”
“Over a year,” I turned facing him, feeling my ass getting hot, “I take it you live in the building?”
“Oh, yeah, yeah,” he pointed behind him. This mystery man lived right across the hall from me and I never noticed this Adonis of my building.
“Wow, you just moved in?”He smiled again, revealing his glossy whites. I could have came all over myself. (I think I did a little.)
“No, I have been there for six months.”
Not only has this fine specimen of God’s version of perfection lived in my building, ACROSS the hall from me, but has been there for SIX, one two three four five, SIX months.
“Why have I never seen you?” I asked, half wondering half not caring, ‘cause he is here now.
“Well, I am usually at my wife’s house in-“
Whoa whoa whoa, WIFE?! Great, what a lovely version of PUNK’D God just played on me. First I trip and then this. Thanks.
“Oh, okay,” I cut him off sharply, “I am late for work.” I ended, turned and walked away. Not even giving him a chance to respond.
02 December 2008
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